Saturday, December 20, 2008

Christmas wishes

It still isn't quite real that Christmas is only a few days away. Perhaps the holiday just doesn't mean as much to me as it did when I was younger. I don't want anything, nor do I really need anything, and I don't want to express my love for others with bought things. I'd rather do extra nice things for everybody to show them how much they mean to me.

I only wish that Christmas would be a reason for people to be genuinely kind and giving to eachother, and that it would last all year round. The lights and decoration, though at times are rather gaudy and severely overdone, nonetheless create an aura of joy. Somehow, the idea of walking around in the cold, looking at lit up houses, all bundled up drinking hot chocolate is still pretty appealing. Then I go near a store or turn on the TV and I'm reminded of what makes me sick about Christmas. 

My birthday is just as easy to forget about. I'm never used to it existing because it's always been muddled in with Christmas and no one has ever really made a big deal about it. I live through my friends' birthdays, trying to make their's every bit as happy and celebrated as I wish mine were. But while I've never really spent it around people constantly reminding me it's my day, I must admit, I have been extremely blessed to spend nearly all 20 with my grandma, and I will always remember my birthday with her as if it were her day, too.

So, in honor of a special time of year, do something, or rather, as many nice things for people as you can. Go out of your way. Give people a little bit of yourself for the holiday, whichever you celebrate. 

Our memory is too digital

I lost my camera, my dinky digital that I finally mastered after messing around with film. 

First, my movies. Now my camera, but this time it was my fault. Perhaps another reinforcer at how responsible I'm expected to be. Or perhaps the natural order pushing me away from the social conformance and into a world where i hold a tighter grasp on my own individual experience. 

I'm back to film. I've missed it, but I miss my digital more. It's sad when automated rinky-dinks are more appealing than hands-on creativity doohickies. Especially when the appeal is provoked by money.

- - There is only now. Everything is temporary. This is your life. Love is all you need. Feed your mind. Create instead of forcing. Don't blend into the world; put yourself into it. - -

Thursday, November 20, 2008

This is life, that is the truth, and the truth is what you are becoming

There is no reality within this world, except that what we write as our own story. 

Everything is temporary, you are not trapped. It will pass soon, just embrace every feeling and thought that comes your way while you await better days.

When you love, you can only hope that everyone loves you as much as you do them. 

You can never have everything you want, so just take what you need.

Just because you haven't done something doesn't mean you don't, can't or won't.

Shower the people you love with love and the people you don't with kindness.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Starting Over

I once had a case full of DVDs, a photo library of 6,000 documentations of the last 6 years, the pursuit and experience as a journalist, a definite picture of who i was in my mind, values, friendships with half decades or more of history under the belt, a solid home with other people looking out and providing for me, and a methodical way of life. 

They have all disappeared, by theft, accident, or mere passage into a new age of time.

I viewed each with regret, lusting to recover the lost, until it all hit me at once. It's a fresh start. I get to completely start over, retaining only that which is most important and building from there. It's a chance to break a pattern of holding on to the unnecessary and digging down to the barest roots.

I'm pretty lucky.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

A new direction home

Last week, I had one of those "oh fuck... what have I been doing with my life and where am I going" panic attacks and nearly didn't go to ACL because of it. It hit me that I've been eating through my bank account- as well as my parents'- this past month and wandering through life lacking ambition, direction, and responsibility. It was nice. It was fun. It definitely fostered my commitment phobia. But there came that inevitable point of realization that it cannot go on forever. 

My dad sat me down tonight and gave me the "you're heading down the same path I did at your age... you need goals, direction, and a job" speech. He couldn't have picked a better time... after deciding stick to my plans and go to ACL, I vowed to myself to get my shit together when I got back. It was probably the best (and extremely overdue in many ways) conversation I've ever had with my dad. 

I came to the final realization that I don't give a shit about journalism. I wish I did, but it just doesn't fit me. I'd rather be a part of the story and tell it later in my own way. I want to help people, listen to them, help them find a reason to live and find their own happiness. I'd love to be a part of some organization that goes to disaster areas- war aftermath, hurricane aftermath, etc, and help people get their lives together again. And so... I think I'm going to become a statistical college student and change my major, to social work. 

Monday, September 15, 2008

It's a beautiful day, and I'm in a slump

I'm broke.

I'm irresponsible.

I put forth too conscious an effort to make myself fit with the sway of the world while standing out at the same time.

I have no idea what I want. Except one thing, and I'm too afraid of it to make it any further than pursuit.

For the love of God, why am I allowing myself to sink into this mess?

Monday, September 1, 2008

When I grow up, I want to

... be the kindest person I can be. It's a step further from being 'nice', like 2-D to 3-D.
... be a part of lots of somethings and capture their significance in words and film.
... tell stories.
... inspire.
... love and be loved
... be content and find a constant state of satisfaction with myself and the people and life I'm surrounded by
... touch the shadows in people's lives, brighten them, and be remembered fondly with a smile
... tell my story in your words and your story in mine
... put the nicest version of myself out, for my intentions and innermost desires to be instinctive actions

I'm okay with being the nice guy who finishes last. First place is lonely, there's nobody at the end of the race to give you a high-five. When you're last, there's tons of people to run into and koala hug.

We're "growing up" at this very moment. It's a constant state- you're never really "grown up" (in the past tense), you're always in the process of "growing up". These are the things my soul is budding out. This is who I want to be. Kind. Joyful. And a story teller. 

(I may or may not have been incredibly repetitive... sorry >_< )

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Winding down and Winding up

Today, I filled my garage with bits and pieces of people I love. A couch from Diane. A dresser from Helen, which I hauled 20 miles home strapped with rope to the trunk door of my mother's car. A box of silverware, plates, bowls, pots, pans, spatulas and the works from my grandmother's kitchen. A bed from my dad, hauled from North Dallas anchored to the luggage rack on Taylor's mini van. I've spent the past few days stuffing my belongings into boxes and crates as my devoted kitty stares with big, sad eyes from under the circle chair in my room. Friday morning, it will all voyage to my first and very own apartment. 

A year ago, I got my first taste of freedom and living on my own. In a few days, I get a huge bite. I know that for the next few years, I will still rely heavily on my parents for financial support, and the responsibility of not fucking them or myself over weighs heavy on my shoulders. I'm in that phase of life where I absolutely despise stuff and money. The towers of boxes and crates in my garage scream, "I HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF!" and the numbers on my ATM receipt send my head into a spinning "Where did all those hours at work go?".

As always, the last weeks of any stage of life has far surpassed the middle ground of time spent there. I've broken many rules, trespassed and vandalized a bit of private property, gone on mini-adventures, seen people for the first time and last time in months, and I know that the next two weeks hold even more excitement. My beloved Denton crowd has already begun to mosey back and before long will be together again, in our own places outside the dorms. Friday and Saturday spell two nights of awesome concerts at the Granada, my most visited music venue. 

I'm excited :]

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Let's bend the rules

I want to pull pranks
Create mischief

Sneak into places I don't belong

Almost get caught, but escape just in time

Let's bend the rules and have some adventure

Do things we've only heard of

Go places we've never seen

Now's the time to really live

Before we get tied down

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


Let us fly through the gilded sky

And watch the sun slip beneath

To spray its warmth on other worlds

Beyond our own horizon


Watch the trees wave goodbye

And pass the blessing of light

To the world that lies around the corner

Of dearest Mother Earth


Sparkling drops within the dark

Replace shimmering ribbons of heat

Say goodnight to golden sun

And welcome blessed moon

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Clouds and life and things

If I could have my camera, notebook, and guitar permanently attached to myself, I'd be the happiest girl in the world. I want to be better at these three things, the best way I know to do that is to practice, practice, practice. 

It's amazing the effect my two trips has had on my entire mental focus and outlook. I've never been more aware, more... I don't even know. It's all good, I know that much. I see less and less eye-to-eye with my mom, but I feel like i get things. I understand. I make connections. I feel. I think- I get it. That's a phrase I think is used to signify those who understand-know-get what's really  important. The meaning of life, maybe. I feel a part of this underculture, subculture renewal. People wanting to just exist, get by on the least material but most experience. Lives of multi-color, not black and white or gray area. Color.

The sky has never been so awe-inspiring. I've never been more  satisfied with just sitting on a fake stone bench, watching the sun play peek-a-boo amongst marshmallow puffs in the sky. Yesterday, my mom kept trying to peg an emotion on me- sadness, illness, whatever. The truth is, sometimes I want to just lie on my back on a plastic picnic table and stare at the sky, watching the green tips of the trees contrast against the deep blue expanse of sky. 

The trees still wave at me.

The swimming clouds remind me that time does not stand still, that we are in constant rotation around the sun, which brings a question to mind. If the earth were to stop rotating, would time technically stand still? After all, we measure it by the location and movement of the sun across our sky.

Currently listening to: Hobo's Lullaby, Arlo Guthrie, on vinyl :]

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Children. The epitome of innocence, a representation of the stage of life that is to be most protected, valued, and reflected upon fondly. Someday, I'm sure my mind will return to its original ecstatic anticipation for my own chance at motherhood, but at this stage of my life, the saturation of my summer days with the presence and responsibility of near-constant childcare is simply wearing me out. They are trying my patience. I need a vacation from my mother and from children. I need to be reminded that I am indeed 19, in college, and closing in on ultimate independance. 

I miss my brother. We have this... understanding of each other that nobody else in the world could have of either of us. It's like we know eachother's souls, inside and out. This past year has been hardest in that aspect. I miss driving my brother to and from school every day and telling him everything that's happening, having deep philosophical conversations, and throwing limes at each other. If I had to choose, and it wouldn't break my dad's heart, I wish that my brother could give me away at my hypothetical wedding. By every right and nature, he should. Silly traditions. 

Every year at this time, I go through a self-doubt phase during which I lose my satisfaction with journalism. One year, I really felt called to something with kids instead of working for a newspaper or magazine. Last year, I thought about going back to nursing. Now, I'm just not sure if I want to slave my life away to writing or designing, or doing anything that required documenting lives as opposed to experiencing them. I have developed a keen interest and fascination with children and people that live completely normal lives despite handicaps, Down's Syndrome, Autism, and so forth. I don't want to be a teacher... or a doctor... or psychology related anything, but I felt a tug towards these people. I really want to be a camp counselor. I'd just have to find some sort of regular escape to remind myself of my adulthood. But I really want to. The woods... the whole camp experience... and the fact that I'd be influencing a kid's summer, childhood, and memories. 

I've recently discovered the magic of film cameras. So far, I've had two rolls. I lost my printer cables, though, so I cannot scan my photos until I take the time to dig around. 

I hope everyone is having the most fantastic summer, full of memorable excitement :]

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Three Jordans and a Starbucks

I woke up this morning with a long list of errands that I needed to get done before my mother and I leave for the airport at 2 and an irritating caffeine headache. I sidetracked through Starbucks between my stops at the ink store and Half Price with the hopes of curbing the grinding between my ears and ordered a tall- no, grande- caramel frapp, an old classic. When asked my name, I routinely uttered "Jordan", a step outside of my usual routine of making up something absolutely ridiculous. 

The pleasant barista chuckled a little. "Really? haha. your drink will be ready at the bar in just a moment." 

The girl in line behind me, a few inches shy of 5 ft tall, wearing an All-American Cheerleader shirt, sophee shorts and red cons, steppe up and ordered a tall caramel frapp. At her response to the first name question, she also uttered "Jordan", which sent the barista behind the counter and her co-worker sitting in the plush chair adjacent to the counter to burst out laughing. In my glance in their direction, my eyes caught on the name scrawled in blue chalk beneath "Your barista today is..." and noticed that her name was also Jordan. 

Barista Jordan turned to the barista behind the counter, "I have never been in the same place as three Jordans before. I think it's a sign. You should name your baby Jordan, whether it's a boy or a girl."

While customer Jordan and I were awaiting our caramel frapps, we wandered through discussions of our common interaction with more boy Jordans than girl Jordans, and how we'd both been referred to by our full names throughout school  because of it. It was possibly the coolest interaction I'd ever had at Starbucks and it made me appreciate my name and my newfound caffeine addiction so much more.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

La Vida Summer

Our lives as students exist in revolution around the summer months. It's our four month break from cramming knowledge into our heads and stressing out over grades and instead fill our minds with things we want to learn about and earn a little cash to live off during the next school year. We are free to wander into creeks and watch dragonflies hover over pondwater and fish tickle the algae-covered rocks. We can embark on weekend roadtrips or watch the sun rise over the tops of trees and not have to worry about a paper due in a week or an exam the next day. Summer is magic. Anything can happen, and anything will happen. It's only been a month so far, and already, I'm having the best summer of my life. 

A few weeks ago, my friends and I observed that our hometown is no longer as boring as it had been in high school. We decided that since going off to college, we'd found ways to make any place fun. Watching the sun set in a park or wandering off in a creek, laying in a field staring at the clouds or just sitting around the backyard passing around a guitar has become a constant way of amusing ourselves. It's not the place you're in, it's the people. If you find a group of people that enjoy the same things you do, you can make any place fun.

Monday, May 26, 2008

In my own little world

When I was younger, I created an entire fantasy world for myself. My identity would change monthly, weekly, daily, whenever I felt like I'd done it justice or I got bored and came up with a new one. 

I miss the days when identity was that simple and could simply be imagined and thusly created. Not that I don't know who I am, or even that I don't like myself, but we all have those times when we are all but satisfied with our perceptions of ourselves. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dearly beloved flag and rifle,

I am coming to terms with the fact that I am no longer a master of  your craft, though I miss you both tremendously. I have tried to maintain the skill and art that you are a part of, but with a year out of practice, I have lost my ability to improv with you. I am sorry that I must leave you behind, but your place is in my memory and in my heart. You must understand, please don't take this personally, but you just aren't a part of my life anymore. I will still pick you up from time to time to reminisce the days when I could come up with a routine on the dime with my ipod blaring for my ears only, but I must acknowledge that those days are of the past now.

You were one of the best things to happen to me, so beloved flag and rifle, take care. I will always love you.

With bittersweet goodbye,

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Soul to soul, evolving from Disney to Adam and Eve

I never realized before how great a song "You'll be in my heart" from Tarzan is. I always have loved it, but found it kind of cheesy, but this time I listened to the words and they really spoke to me. I never could find just the right word to explain it, but I think I've kind of found it with the help of these lyrics and a really deep conversation with my best friend. I find that I have always been ashamed to have feelings for someone. I'm embarrassed. I'm afraid of one more unrequited crush or that they'll get awkward around me if they find out (i also get paranoid that they'll figure it out) and any friendship we might have would be tainted because they would assume that everything I do stems from a crush. I'm afraid of being "creepy". All this wierd paranoia makes me feel like a third grader. 

I'm the firmest of firm believers in soulmates and in signs, so I'm always on the lookout, or rather, ready to receive, any signs that a person could be my soulmate, yet if I get any hints of a vibe, I immediately apply my paranoia and embarrasment for even considering it. I want to feel completed and at peace when I receive vibes from any person, but I'm afraid that I'll be wrong. I'm afraid to misconstrue something and it wind up wrong. I'm even more afraid that I'll be right. I am terribly timid towards commitment, and to be right about that sort of thing is the ultimate form of commitment. 

I had a sort of epiphany a while ago. Our souls are our ultimate conscience. They are behind our backs, constantly pulling us towards our truest selves and our truest matches. I believe in two kinds of soulmates: the people who know your soul and with whom there are no secrets and the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with, who also falls into the first soulmate category. There is nothing hidden from those who truly know your soul. Adam and Eve were created as soulmates in this way, which is why they did not need clothes. They were soulmates to each other and to God. (sorry to get religious..) There was nothing hidden because they knew each other's souls, the most intimate and all-knowing that two people can be, therefore, the nakedness on the surface was nothing, because they could see through every layer of each other, physically, emotionally, down as far as could be reached. 

Monday, May 12, 2008

Hello, summer! I welcome you with open arms.

I'm not used to being out of school this early. My mind is used to going til the end of May, and it hasn't quite sunk in that there are no classes for the next four months. I am still without a car, full time job, and i haven't quite finished unpacking from moving back home. I am proud to say, however, that I am watching Mary Poppins on the first TV to ever exist in my bedroom. 

I've decided to make a list of things I want to do this summer. Granted, I'll get about half of them halfway completed, but it's always fun to make a list :]
- read real books. so expect a reading list to come... hehe
- watch every Natalie Portman and Tom Hanks movie.
- learn how to use my dad's 1983 Canon film camera
- learn Hebrew 
- go on as many spontaneous adventures as possible, including tons of camping trips
- obtain a Diamond St sign
- break my fingers trying to learn barre chords
- learn to play mandolin
- attend only weddings and no funerals
- Find roommates for next year outside of the dorms... oy...
- bank enough money to avoid having a job next semester
- take the 8 year old girl i'm babysitting all of June on fun little adventures she'll never forget and expose her to the Beatles
- spend more time outdoors than i ever have in my life
- regularly go on bike rides and yoga classes
- strengthen the friendships i've made this year
-  get completely covered from head to toe in mud
- TIE DYE like a crazy muthafuggin hippie
So here I go, racing head-on into summer. Friends, let's go have fun :]

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Dear May,

You are all around me in your strangest form. I feel your warmth, the ever-glowing presence of the sun shadowed by the gray sheath of clouds and tingling drops of rain. With your arrival an ending has attached, I leave a life, a group of friendsand return to sheltered suburban-ness. My communal, carefree society is malignant to the scorning of my other life. I feel two-faced. I am ashamed. I see nothing wrong with the existential being that consumes me until their worries penetrate my membrane. They don't know. They have no reason to worry. I am not drowning in a pot of sinking sand. Though at times I feel I am. At times I fight nature. I fight instinct, I create an internal gnawing at my identity. What is it? Who am I? I feel like "Most Likely to Not Succeed". I have no motivation, I have no challenge. That's it. Nothing to challenge me, to keep me focused. No incentive. But I should. My parents are broke. That should be enough, but it's not. I am sinking. I can't return home. I sink faster there. There's nothing to grab on to, no consistency, except my mother's irrationality and drunken stupor. I flee from it. I want her to be one thing, but she is not. I want to tell the world my troubles, but in a whisper. I'll talk until somebody listens. Someone will. 

Oh, May. You bring me to a crossroad. Who am I? What do I want? Where should I go? And most of all, What is important?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

All you need is love... and friends

"You wanna know how I knew he was an asshole? He talks fast, he talks loud, and he doesn't say much."
- The greatest "relationship" advice from one of the greatest people in the world.

Just within the past week/ few days, I've become so incredibly aware of who my truest, dearest friends are- the people who really care about me, watch out for me, and bring out the best in me. I'm blessed to have six such people in my life, two of whom are immediate family, the other four have rightfully earned their spot in my honorary family. May we be a part of eachothers' weddings, funerals, and everything from now til then. 

It's funny how the realization of an end brings out such an intense bond, and how it's based on common roots. Never in my life, though, have I felt such overwhelming love for anybody. They have captured my soul and I have let my wall down so that they could enter the deep, dark world that I live in. I know that I can trust each and every one of them with my life, and that they are the most capable people of digging me out of a bad mood and making everything better. Every friend I gain will be held up against them in comparison, but nobody could ever measure up. 

Thank you, guys. You make my world go round.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Welcome to the real world

            There comes a day when you wake up, turn around and are unable to recognize yourself in a mirror. Your values, opinions, lifestyle, goals, everything, has changed. The things that used to be important and worry you have vanished and worked themselves out. You’ve somehow managed to figure out the lessons from your mistakes in the past. Life isn’t perfect, but you’re coming up to the horizon. The world looks totally different from the top of the mountain at sunrise.

            If I were to walk through the halls of my high school, I’d feel so odd. I am still the same person, but my life is nowhere near what it was when I trampled the brownstone tile floor daily. I have become a part of a completely different world. I would feel two faced, like I was hiding something. Not because I’m ashamed, but because I’ve been skyrocketed from the conservative Bible belt mentality and the normal American lifestyle. An entire part of my life they have no clue about, and would utterly shock them if they knew. 

Saturday, April 5, 2008

April, you might prove me wrong

Well, so far, my doubts about a fair april have been proven wrong. The past three days have been a complete 180 from the weeks before. I've been giddy and cheerful and I feel like the best version of myself is coming out more and more. I am slowly picking the important lessons out of the messes I found myself in a year ago and applying them to situations and relationships of today.  The best part? The greatest hours of the past three days are all results of unplanned coincidences. Oh, how I love coincidences.

It's a bummer that everything is so fantastic, but with only a little over a month left in the semester to enjoy it. While most people are anxious for summer to arrive and overjoyed about the fall semester, I'm dreading both. I love the life I've settled into here. The faces I see every day around Bruce have become my family, and many of them are leaving for the military, other schools or will be moving into places of their own in Denton. I know that next semester, my life will be nothing like it has been this past year. In some ways, that might be good, but on the other hand, I will miss the faces I see daily the most. 

I have a feeling I'm going to go mad this summer. After adjusting and growing used to a completely self-sufficient life devoid any responsibility, going back to living with my mother, having a job and car, and actually having chores and shit to do is going to be an adjustment I'm probably going to be disgruntled in making. I won't have the built-in social life and atmosphere that living in a dorm provides, nor will I be near the majority of my college family, which has grown quite large. Don't get me wrong, it will be amazing to be able to see my high school friends again, but it will be hard to go from seeing people 24/7 to not at all for three months. 

I look forward with a new perspective of not holding back and coasting through life with a quarter tank. I may not have epic stories or tons of adventure, but by jove, I'm going to enjoy everything that I do.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Chocolate milk and chick flicks

I'd like a little romance. Just to know what it is. Just a little bit of time where someone is charmed by me, and charms me in return. A guy to lean into, put his arm around me, and just watch a movie or the sunset. And alternatively, go on silly adventures. A partner in crime. Just once. It doesn't have to last forever, just long enough to leave both of us with a little piece of life we didn't know before.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Parking Lot pHorum

The only way a person can be truly carefree is to view the world with an absence of judgment or expectation and submit to the laws of nature and the universe. That is my definition. Worry, fear, criticism, anxiety, uptightness, all chain a person down and inhibit them from achieving a complete peace of mind and happiness. The meaning of life: happiness. The greatest way to achieve it: to be carefree. In order for people to be carefree and achieve the meaning of life, they must have a truly open mind, devoid all judgment and expectation, submitting to and accepting nature. I think this was what Morrie was talking about Tuesdays with Morrie.  Man, I love that book. It's the greatest to read when you fall into a rut. 

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I'll believe you when everything you say don't turn out wrong

I was inspired by Sophia's list of 43 to write my list of things. It's pure stream of consciousness, some are personal philosophies and some are just random things I've realized about myself in the last year.

1. I have drank almost an entire bottle of white grape juice within the past 24 hours.

2. I have never felt more empassioned or in the zone than I do when I have a flag in my hand and music surrounding me.

3. I never cease to tie closer bonds with people than they tie with me.

4. I have accepted the fact that I have a slightly delusional and idealistic view of the world.

5. The things I say and what I truly think and feel rarely cooperate to bring a good outcome.

6. I talk about myself a lot. And it bugs me.

7. Everything has beauty. Even ugly things.

8. Snow is the greatest thing in the world. Just don't drive in it.

9. There is a song and a soul for every soul.

10. I am terrified of losing people, and it effects my daily decisions.

11. When asked to do a favor that involves commitment, my first instinct is to find an excuse. Then I realize that I'm stupid and both parties benefit from the favor.

12. Money really is the root of all evil.

13. An hour unplanned that maps itself out has greater potential to be amazing than a day completely mapped out in advance.

14. Following others isn't always copycatting. Sometimes it's simply making a good decision.

15. Sex is overrated.

16. Sometimes the best things are left unsaid and that's how it's meant to be because they never would have come out right.

17. Unrequited love is still love, and that should never hold a negative connotation or create negative energy because to be loved by another is the greatest form of flattery.

18. Running away from problems only makes you lose your breath, and then the problem catches up and smacks you when your even weaker.

19. The meaning of life is simple: happiness. If you spend your life without it, you might as well already be dead.

20. A picture's worth a thousand words. But it's never specified whether they're truthful words or a perversion of the truth.

21. I overuse analogies.

22. Any invention that results in something flying through the air is the product of brilliance.

23. The children of playground architects must have the greatest backyards ever.

24. You are never too old to have fun on a playground.

25. You are never too old, even if your body screams "I'M DETERIORATING". You always have youth at heart and spirit.

26. There's no sense in verbally defending a philosophy that's better proven by living it out.

27. The things we put our heart and soul into are the things that carry our spirit beyond our departure from the material world.

28. Music is the only constant form of communication. It evolves, but its theories have been the same for centuries.

29. A smile is the universal greeting that can brighten any person's day.

30. Sometimes it takes three car wrecks for a person to admit they're a bad driver. And even then... delusional pride keeps that person from changing their ways.

31. The religious wars the worlds still wages are the repercussions of an impatiant man who had an affair with his housekeeper thousands of years ago because his wife couldn't have kids.

32. I use sarcasm as a defense mechanism. It often gives the vibe that I'm bitter or pissed about something that frankly doesn't bother me at all.

33. I spent four years in high school breaking the insecurities private school had tied me down with.

34. Singing in the shower is a great way to begin or end a day.

35. So is skinny dipping.

36. A social life who's roots are in a windowless room filled with cubicles attached to a dirty floor has the same opportunity for greatness as any other social life.

37. The greatest essays and newspaper stories are those begun at 2am of the day they're due.

38. Fear is the only source of danger.

39. The glass a drink is served in has a severe impact in the way it tastes.

30. You've got to be really freaking talented to get a splinter from a popsicle stick.

31. The things that are only funny to those doing them aren't given enough credit by those observing.

32. You can never truly know a person until you've seen them around their best friend in the world.

33. To be a true close friend, you have to be a constant part of that person's life, sharing in the ups, downs, and everything in between.

34. Chocolate milk is always a good decision. Unless your throat is suffering from allergies.

35. You can tell a lot about a person by the cereal they eat.

36. There are two types of people: those who only eat the marshmallows in Lucky Charms, an those who hate the marshmallows and don't eat the cereal at all because of it.

37. If it won't bother you in a week, it's not worth worrying about today.

38. Lean back, relax, look at your brain.

39. Road trips with awesome people down country roads, Bob Dylan, and the windows rolled down is the greatest experience the world can offer.

40. Elementary school children should not know about sex, profanity or drugs. Their innocence is too precious.

41. Little things build up like flecks of dust. If you don't clean it off every now and then, it builds up so much that it's hard to tell what used to be beneath it and makes everyone sick.

42. The Oklahoma border is exactly one hour from my house.

43. Sophia's magic number. :]

44. April has yet to prove itself as a month with positive outcomes.

45. The domino effect bring sweet revenge.

46. Family is the greatest thing you can ever have. Being reunited with family is even greater.

47. It takes two people naturally cooperating with each other for a friendship to form. One person doing all the work is a delusional friendship.

48. An unreturned phone call is a great disappointment.

49. The alarm clock never brings good news.

50. Holidays celebrated by blasting fire into the air are better than any media-poisoned religious holiday.

51. I'm going to bed.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

fuck spring

Spring. The time of birth, love, blossoming, etc. It's supposed to be happy and pretty. Well fuck spring. 

 I hate spring, or rather, I hate how everything goes wrong in spring. March- April were not fair to me in the least last year, and its shaping up to be a pattern.

 The realization that the my best friend since childhood and I have drifted so far a part that our friendship has little likelihood to last through the next year is continually knocking me off my feet. 

I'm still reaping the reprecussions of the falling hard enough for someone to do anything about it and ruining the friendship because of it. April 3rd will be the first anniversary of the beginning of the worst mental state i've been in yet, the wedding one of my closest friends from high school and the 19th birthday of my best friend in the entire world. 

I've had four-some-odd relationship possibilities/attempts this year, which is more than I've ever had, but none have materialized.

 One of my closest friends in college is moving to Austin next year. 

My roommate has a new boyfriend, so I never see her. I realize now that I get reallllly lonely when there's nobody that I can consistantly unload to at the end of one of my crazy hectic days, so I wind up depressed a lot. 

And to top it all off, in less than two weeks, I will be broke. Literally. And without a car. I got into an accident because I was too nice to say 'no' to my boss and kept delivering sandwiches despite the fact there was a literal blizzard outside, and I lost traction and slid into another car, resulting in $600- $1700 in damage, depending on where my mom decides to let me take it to get replaced. So, no more car. No more money. Maybe I can suck a raise out of it, but who knows. 

If this is how spring is going to be every year, I'm gonna make like a bear and hibernate til summer. 

Sunday, March 2, 2008

To live carefree

It's quiet, and that's nice. It's gloomy outside, and somehow that's nice too. Right now, it's working for me. But for how long? 

I get restless easily. Anxious.  I crave spontaneity and completely random acts of society. I want to engage in a sing-along with strangers in public. Give hugs to people I've never met before. I want to interact with strangers and embrace the simplest connections that we may only share for fie minutes. I want to impulsively do nice things for people out of simple kindness, without thinking. I want to quit my job so I can float through college with a relaxed spirit and create deep, everlasting friendships. But I don't have the guts. 

I wish I could give my brother my car because he needs it more than I do. In my head, without my car, I wouldn't need a job. I could bring my bike here and put a little less pollution in the air and save $35 a week on gas. Am I too selfish to do this? Or do the memories of the inconveniences that surrounded me when I didn't have a car keep me from giving it up? Yeah. That's selfishness talking.

"I need a job really bad"

The phrase that every college student I know repeats daily. But none of them have one. They say it, but they don't go look for it. I have a job. I have a constant income. But I don't want it. Why am I never satisfied with the life that I have created for myself?

I can't get the things I want. I don't have the guts. I can't be what I want. 

Carefree. My ultimate goal. 

Friday, February 29, 2008


I want to be an artist
a piano player 
all these things that I am not
all these things that I must learn
but can I be
just one?

Saturday, February 23, 2008

If I ever have daughters...

            I would name you Maybe so you’d never speak a word of uncertainty. You wouldn’t want to say, “Well, maybe I can…” because it’d sound weird to say your name in the middle of a sentence. You wouldn’t be flaky or indecisive, my own tragic flaws. The word ‘maybe’ instigates possibility. It’s the transition into a new idea. “Maybe this happened.” Or “maybe this would work”. And it’s the answer people give when they don’t want to say ‘no’. I would give you the ability to say ‘no’, never ‘maybe’, to never be afraid of what people would think of you if you turned them down and chose your own way, never leave people hanging or unsure, but always be there, always be committed to the things that you want to do. I would name you this, not to set you up to be made fun of, but to give you a piece of character and set you a part from the rest of the world. 

            I would name you my Pax, after the Roman goddess of peace. I know that worldwide peace is unlikely and unrealistic, but each day, we can do small things to bring peace to those around us, to make other people’s lives better. I would give you my motto: Be the change you want to see in the world. With your name, you would receive the character of a peacemaker, known in modern times as a hippie, the character of a purely happy, content and peaceful person. Pax tectum, et bonum et lux. Peace be with you, and goodness and light.

Love always J

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

It's such a beautiful day

            It began just as I was walking out of my dorm to go to class. There’s a building next door that is in the process of being gutted and torn down. The windows are all gone and random chunks of metal, concrete, and other debris piled all over the fenced in construction area. A wrecking ball suspends from a thick cable attached to a giant crane. Somehow, the destruction strikes me as beautiful. In a few months time, a brand new building will stand in its place, but the pure, perfect new building cannot hold to the old building whose guts and inner soul are wretched from inside. Its heart is on the ground. Beauty.

            Across from the building, there is a white stone bench, its blank backside facing the sidewalk. On Valentine’s Day, a beautiful four-line love poem filled the backside of the bench. Today, two maintenance workers sat in the bench, one leg crossed over the other and their arms folded behind their necks. A plastic tub of white paint and a paint roller in a small tin tray sat against one of the corners of the bench. The love poem was gone. But still, the scene was beautiful.

            The entire day was like this. At every given moment, I found something beautiful in the situation. On a delivery, I held the door open for a man wheeling several boxes outside to his delivery truck. I didn’t get a tip from the lady I delivered to, but it was okay. I got a “tip” in another way—by making someone else’s day a little bit easier.

I also took a delivery to a woman who worked in a small counseling center out of a refurbished house. She was blind. She held a job, could operate a phone, read a credit card number (or at least have it memorized), sign her name, all without being able to see and visualize anything, and she looked pretty to top it off. She didn’t let a handicap hinder her from living life to the fullest. She inspired me. Sometimes, I try to find excuses as to why I can or couldn’t do something, but here is this woman who could so easily use the lack of sight to have life handed to her, but instead she challenges herself to overcome it. Beauty.

I drove with my windows down and pleasant music playing.

I slowed down so people could get over a lane our pull out of a parking spot.

I talked with a stranger on the way to class, I don’t even remember what about, but it began by my holding the door open for her.

Small flaws did not bother me—when a lady at a stop sign went ahead of me though I had the right of way, or when I could’ve sworn I’d made more tips than I went home with. My boss snapped at me for something, I winced, but was long forgotten by the time I was back in my car on my way to another delivery. All these little things, my little attempts to find something positive and beautiful in everything I encountered—all made my day, in itself, beautiful.

If I could choose my own heaven, the place and things my soul would do after departing my body, I would become a little fairy who puts dollar bills in people’s pockets or moves their keys to an obvious place where they can easily be found. Sort of like a fairy godmother, I suppose. I would make each day like today—full of beauty and creating happiness.

Days like these are the epitome of my soul’s existence. Today was the state of mind, the peaceful easy feeling, that I aim to achieve every day. For everyone I interacted with today, you are loved and you are beautiful :D

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Ball of confusion

Because of this:

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground. 
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

There is this:

I never ever stopped wondering
wondering if you still think of us
I don't need a photograph
'Cause you've never left my mind
No you've never left my mind

But it shouldn't be.
It wouldn't be.
It won't.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

You will never see this

It is finished. 

You are my "What if...? ", but what I wanted back then doesn't matter anymore. 

This game is up, what goes on from here is up to you.

And if you talk to me, I'll talk back. But please, for my sake, let's be friends.

Now go find a girl who cares for you as much as I did and love her in return. I'll be happy for you.

Monday, January 21, 2008

We all float on

She was terrified of feeling that way about another person. There had been enough hard falls within the past year, and she felt no rush to add another name. Her friends wanted her to be happy. To be ready. She wanted life to happen on her own time. On her own terms. She wouldn’t mind another friend, and at the moment, that’s really all she was ready for. A boyfriend, that’d be nice. But frightening. To say she wasn’t ready would bring on the question, “would she ever be?”. It would take time. Trust and comfortability don’t rebuild overnight. She didn’t want to rule out all possibilities, but she just wasn’t ready. She could not be pushed. She could not be rushed. She didn’t even like to be told. She liked surprises. She didn’t like it when people made things obvious or a big deal. She was used to her life being unconventional and subliminal. She meant to touch other’s lives without them realizing it. She had never been a big deal. She’d always been the third wheel. The less-important, just below exceptional. Good enough to get by, not good enough to get recognized. She didn’t want that to change as much as she sometimes thought. She wanted to have a best friend, fall for him, marry him, have kids, etc. She’d fallen hard enough twice, right in a row. She could be patient, surely one of them was the One. Her closeness and feelings weaved in and out constantly and inconsistently, but she figured at some point one of them would realize she was their girl and everything would just happen.

            And even if it didn't... someone else like that would come along. It would be completely natural. No one would push her. They'd be good friends one day, mistakingly kiss, and then it'd all change. That was her reality. In her little world, that's the way things rolled.