Monday, January 21, 2008

We all float on

She was terrified of feeling that way about another person. There had been enough hard falls within the past year, and she felt no rush to add another name. Her friends wanted her to be happy. To be ready. She wanted life to happen on her own time. On her own terms. She wouldn’t mind another friend, and at the moment, that’s really all she was ready for. A boyfriend, that’d be nice. But frightening. To say she wasn’t ready would bring on the question, “would she ever be?”. It would take time. Trust and comfortability don’t rebuild overnight. She didn’t want to rule out all possibilities, but she just wasn’t ready. She could not be pushed. She could not be rushed. She didn’t even like to be told. She liked surprises. She didn’t like it when people made things obvious or a big deal. She was used to her life being unconventional and subliminal. She meant to touch other’s lives without them realizing it. She had never been a big deal. She’d always been the third wheel. The less-important, just below exceptional. Good enough to get by, not good enough to get recognized. She didn’t want that to change as much as she sometimes thought. She wanted to have a best friend, fall for him, marry him, have kids, etc. She’d fallen hard enough twice, right in a row. She could be patient, surely one of them was the One. Her closeness and feelings weaved in and out constantly and inconsistently, but she figured at some point one of them would realize she was their girl and everything would just happen.

            And even if it didn't... someone else like that would come along. It would be completely natural. No one would push her. They'd be good friends one day, mistakingly kiss, and then it'd all change. That was her reality. In her little world, that's the way things rolled.