Sunday, March 30, 2008

Chocolate milk and chick flicks

I'd like a little romance. Just to know what it is. Just a little bit of time where someone is charmed by me, and charms me in return. A guy to lean into, put his arm around me, and just watch a movie or the sunset. And alternatively, go on silly adventures. A partner in crime. Just once. It doesn't have to last forever, just long enough to leave both of us with a little piece of life we didn't know before.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Parking Lot pHorum

The only way a person can be truly carefree is to view the world with an absence of judgment or expectation and submit to the laws of nature and the universe. That is my definition. Worry, fear, criticism, anxiety, uptightness, all chain a person down and inhibit them from achieving a complete peace of mind and happiness. The meaning of life: happiness. The greatest way to achieve it: to be carefree. In order for people to be carefree and achieve the meaning of life, they must have a truly open mind, devoid all judgment and expectation, submitting to and accepting nature. I think this was what Morrie was talking about Tuesdays with Morrie.  Man, I love that book. It's the greatest to read when you fall into a rut. 

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I'll believe you when everything you say don't turn out wrong

I was inspired by Sophia's list of 43 to write my list of things. It's pure stream of consciousness, some are personal philosophies and some are just random things I've realized about myself in the last year.

1. I have drank almost an entire bottle of white grape juice within the past 24 hours.

2. I have never felt more empassioned or in the zone than I do when I have a flag in my hand and music surrounding me.

3. I never cease to tie closer bonds with people than they tie with me.

4. I have accepted the fact that I have a slightly delusional and idealistic view of the world.

5. The things I say and what I truly think and feel rarely cooperate to bring a good outcome.

6. I talk about myself a lot. And it bugs me.

7. Everything has beauty. Even ugly things.

8. Snow is the greatest thing in the world. Just don't drive in it.

9. There is a song and a soul for every soul.

10. I am terrified of losing people, and it effects my daily decisions.

11. When asked to do a favor that involves commitment, my first instinct is to find an excuse. Then I realize that I'm stupid and both parties benefit from the favor.

12. Money really is the root of all evil.

13. An hour unplanned that maps itself out has greater potential to be amazing than a day completely mapped out in advance.

14. Following others isn't always copycatting. Sometimes it's simply making a good decision.

15. Sex is overrated.

16. Sometimes the best things are left unsaid and that's how it's meant to be because they never would have come out right.

17. Unrequited love is still love, and that should never hold a negative connotation or create negative energy because to be loved by another is the greatest form of flattery.

18. Running away from problems only makes you lose your breath, and then the problem catches up and smacks you when your even weaker.

19. The meaning of life is simple: happiness. If you spend your life without it, you might as well already be dead.

20. A picture's worth a thousand words. But it's never specified whether they're truthful words or a perversion of the truth.

21. I overuse analogies.

22. Any invention that results in something flying through the air is the product of brilliance.

23. The children of playground architects must have the greatest backyards ever.

24. You are never too old to have fun on a playground.

25. You are never too old, even if your body screams "I'M DETERIORATING". You always have youth at heart and spirit.

26. There's no sense in verbally defending a philosophy that's better proven by living it out.

27. The things we put our heart and soul into are the things that carry our spirit beyond our departure from the material world.

28. Music is the only constant form of communication. It evolves, but its theories have been the same for centuries.

29. A smile is the universal greeting that can brighten any person's day.

30. Sometimes it takes three car wrecks for a person to admit they're a bad driver. And even then... delusional pride keeps that person from changing their ways.

31. The religious wars the worlds still wages are the repercussions of an impatiant man who had an affair with his housekeeper thousands of years ago because his wife couldn't have kids.

32. I use sarcasm as a defense mechanism. It often gives the vibe that I'm bitter or pissed about something that frankly doesn't bother me at all.

33. I spent four years in high school breaking the insecurities private school had tied me down with.

34. Singing in the shower is a great way to begin or end a day.

35. So is skinny dipping.

36. A social life who's roots are in a windowless room filled with cubicles attached to a dirty floor has the same opportunity for greatness as any other social life.

37. The greatest essays and newspaper stories are those begun at 2am of the day they're due.

38. Fear is the only source of danger.

39. The glass a drink is served in has a severe impact in the way it tastes.

30. You've got to be really freaking talented to get a splinter from a popsicle stick.

31. The things that are only funny to those doing them aren't given enough credit by those observing.

32. You can never truly know a person until you've seen them around their best friend in the world.

33. To be a true close friend, you have to be a constant part of that person's life, sharing in the ups, downs, and everything in between.

34. Chocolate milk is always a good decision. Unless your throat is suffering from allergies.

35. You can tell a lot about a person by the cereal they eat.

36. There are two types of people: those who only eat the marshmallows in Lucky Charms, an those who hate the marshmallows and don't eat the cereal at all because of it.

37. If it won't bother you in a week, it's not worth worrying about today.

38. Lean back, relax, look at your brain.

39. Road trips with awesome people down country roads, Bob Dylan, and the windows rolled down is the greatest experience the world can offer.

40. Elementary school children should not know about sex, profanity or drugs. Their innocence is too precious.

41. Little things build up like flecks of dust. If you don't clean it off every now and then, it builds up so much that it's hard to tell what used to be beneath it and makes everyone sick.

42. The Oklahoma border is exactly one hour from my house.

43. Sophia's magic number. :]

44. April has yet to prove itself as a month with positive outcomes.

45. The domino effect bring sweet revenge.

46. Family is the greatest thing you can ever have. Being reunited with family is even greater.

47. It takes two people naturally cooperating with each other for a friendship to form. One person doing all the work is a delusional friendship.

48. An unreturned phone call is a great disappointment.

49. The alarm clock never brings good news.

50. Holidays celebrated by blasting fire into the air are better than any media-poisoned religious holiday.

51. I'm going to bed.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

fuck spring

Spring. The time of birth, love, blossoming, etc. It's supposed to be happy and pretty. Well fuck spring. 

 I hate spring, or rather, I hate how everything goes wrong in spring. March- April were not fair to me in the least last year, and its shaping up to be a pattern.

 The realization that the my best friend since childhood and I have drifted so far a part that our friendship has little likelihood to last through the next year is continually knocking me off my feet. 

I'm still reaping the reprecussions of the falling hard enough for someone to do anything about it and ruining the friendship because of it. April 3rd will be the first anniversary of the beginning of the worst mental state i've been in yet, the wedding one of my closest friends from high school and the 19th birthday of my best friend in the entire world. 

I've had four-some-odd relationship possibilities/attempts this year, which is more than I've ever had, but none have materialized.

 One of my closest friends in college is moving to Austin next year. 

My roommate has a new boyfriend, so I never see her. I realize now that I get reallllly lonely when there's nobody that I can consistantly unload to at the end of one of my crazy hectic days, so I wind up depressed a lot. 

And to top it all off, in less than two weeks, I will be broke. Literally. And without a car. I got into an accident because I was too nice to say 'no' to my boss and kept delivering sandwiches despite the fact there was a literal blizzard outside, and I lost traction and slid into another car, resulting in $600- $1700 in damage, depending on where my mom decides to let me take it to get replaced. So, no more car. No more money. Maybe I can suck a raise out of it, but who knows. 

If this is how spring is going to be every year, I'm gonna make like a bear and hibernate til summer. 

Sunday, March 2, 2008

To live carefree

It's quiet, and that's nice. It's gloomy outside, and somehow that's nice too. Right now, it's working for me. But for how long? 

I get restless easily. Anxious.  I crave spontaneity and completely random acts of society. I want to engage in a sing-along with strangers in public. Give hugs to people I've never met before. I want to interact with strangers and embrace the simplest connections that we may only share for fie minutes. I want to impulsively do nice things for people out of simple kindness, without thinking. I want to quit my job so I can float through college with a relaxed spirit and create deep, everlasting friendships. But I don't have the guts. 

I wish I could give my brother my car because he needs it more than I do. In my head, without my car, I wouldn't need a job. I could bring my bike here and put a little less pollution in the air and save $35 a week on gas. Am I too selfish to do this? Or do the memories of the inconveniences that surrounded me when I didn't have a car keep me from giving it up? Yeah. That's selfishness talking.

"I need a job really bad"

The phrase that every college student I know repeats daily. But none of them have one. They say it, but they don't go look for it. I have a job. I have a constant income. But I don't want it. Why am I never satisfied with the life that I have created for myself?

I can't get the things I want. I don't have the guts. I can't be what I want. 

Carefree. My ultimate goal.