Sunday, March 2, 2008

To live carefree

It's quiet, and that's nice. It's gloomy outside, and somehow that's nice too. Right now, it's working for me. But for how long? 

I get restless easily. Anxious.  I crave spontaneity and completely random acts of society. I want to engage in a sing-along with strangers in public. Give hugs to people I've never met before. I want to interact with strangers and embrace the simplest connections that we may only share for fie minutes. I want to impulsively do nice things for people out of simple kindness, without thinking. I want to quit my job so I can float through college with a relaxed spirit and create deep, everlasting friendships. But I don't have the guts. 

I wish I could give my brother my car because he needs it more than I do. In my head, without my car, I wouldn't need a job. I could bring my bike here and put a little less pollution in the air and save $35 a week on gas. Am I too selfish to do this? Or do the memories of the inconveniences that surrounded me when I didn't have a car keep me from giving it up? Yeah. That's selfishness talking.

"I need a job really bad"

The phrase that every college student I know repeats daily. But none of them have one. They say it, but they don't go look for it. I have a job. I have a constant income. But I don't want it. Why am I never satisfied with the life that I have created for myself?

I can't get the things I want. I don't have the guts. I can't be what I want. 

Carefree. My ultimate goal. 

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