Try

I want to be an artist

a piano player 

photographer

seamstress

collageist

videographer

all these things that I am not

all these things that I must learn

but can I be

just one?

If I ever have daughters...

            I would name you Maybe so you’d never speak a word of uncertainty. You wouldn’t want to say, “Well, maybe I can…” because it’d sound weird to say your name in the middle of a sentence. You wouldn’t be flaky or indecisive, my own tragic flaws. The word ‘maybe’ instigates possibility. It’s the transition into a new idea. “Maybe this happened.” Or “maybe this would work”. And it’s the answer people give when they don’t want to say ‘no’. I would give you the ability to say ‘no’, never ‘maybe’, to never be afraid of what people would think of you if you turned them down and chose your own way, never leave people hanging or unsure, but always be there, always be committed to the things that you want to do. I would name you this, not to set you up to be made fun of, but to give you a piece of character and set you a part from the rest of the world. 

            I would name you my Pax, after the Roman goddess of peace. I know that worldwide peace is unlikely and unrealistic, but each day, we can do small things to bring peace to those around us, to make other people’s lives better. I would give you my motto: Be the change you want to see in the world. With your name, you would receive the character of a peacemaker, known in modern times as a hippie, the character of a purely happy, content and peaceful person. Pax tectum, et bonum et lux. Peace be with you, and goodness and light.

Love always J

It's such a beautiful day

            It began just as I was walking out of my dorm to go to class. There’s a building next door that is in the process of being gutted and torn down. The windows are all gone and random chunks of metal, concrete, and other debris piled all over the fenced in construction area. A wrecking ball suspends from a thick cable attached to a giant crane. Somehow, the destruction strikes me as beautiful. In a few months time, a brand new building will stand in its place, but the pure, perfect new building cannot hold to the old building whose guts and inner soul are wretched from inside. Its heart is on the ground. Beauty.

            Across from the building, there is a white stone bench, its blank backside facing the sidewalk. On Valentine’s Day, a beautiful four-line love poem filled the backside of the bench. Today, two maintenance workers sat in the bench, one leg crossed over the other and their arms folded behind their necks. A plastic tub of white paint and a paint roller in a small tin tray sat against one of the corners of the bench. The love poem was gone. But still, the scene was beautiful.

            The entire day was like this. At every given moment, I found something beautiful in the situation. On a delivery, I held the door open for a man wheeling several boxes outside to his delivery truck. I didn’t get a tip from the lady I delivered to, but it was okay. I got a “tip” in another way—by making someone else’s day a little bit easier.

I also took a delivery to a woman who worked in a small counseling center out of a refurbished house. She was blind. She held a job, could operate a phone, read a credit card number (or at least have it memorized), sign her name, all without being able to see and visualize anything, and she looked pretty to top it off. She didn’t let a handicap hinder her from living life to the fullest. She inspired me. Sometimes, I try to find excuses as to why I can or couldn’t do something, but here is this woman who could so easily use the lack of sight to have life handed to her, but instead she challenges herself to overcome it. Beauty.

I drove with my windows down and pleasant music playing.

I slowed down so people could get over a lane our pull out of a parking spot.

I talked with a stranger on the way to class, I don’t even remember what about, but it began by my holding the door open for her.

Small flaws did not bother me—when a lady at a stop sign went ahead of me though I had the right of way, or when I could’ve sworn I’d made more tips than I went home with. My boss snapped at me for something, I winced, but was long forgotten by the time I was back in my car on my way to another delivery. All these little things, my little attempts to find something positive and beautiful in everything I encountered—all made my day, in itself, beautiful.

If I could choose my own heaven, the place and things my soul would do after departing my body, I would become a little fairy who puts dollar bills in people’s pockets or moves their keys to an obvious place where they can easily be found. Sort of like a fairy godmother, I suppose. I would make each day like today—full of beauty and creating happiness.

Days like these are the epitome of my soul’s existence. Today was the state of mind, the peaceful easy feeling, that I aim to achieve every day. For everyone I interacted with today, you are loved and you are beautiful :D

Ball of confusion

Because of this:

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground. 
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

There is this:

I never ever stopped wondering

wondering if you still think of us

I don't need a photograph

'Cause you've never left my mind

No you've never left my mind

But it shouldn't be.

It wouldn't be.

It won't.

You will never see this

It is finished. 

You are my "What if...? ", but what I wanted back then doesn't matter anymore. 

This game is up, what goes on from here is up to you.

And if you talk to me, I'll talk back. But please, for my sake, let's be friends.

Now go find a girl who cares for you as much as I did and love her in return. I'll be happy for you.