Monday, May 26, 2008

In my own little world

When I was younger, I created an entire fantasy world for myself. My identity would change monthly, weekly, daily, whenever I felt like I'd done it justice or I got bored and came up with a new one. 

I miss the days when identity was that simple and could simply be imagined and thusly created. Not that I don't know who I am, or even that I don't like myself, but we all have those times when we are all but satisfied with our perceptions of ourselves. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dearly beloved flag and rifle,

I am coming to terms with the fact that I am no longer a master of  your craft, though I miss you both tremendously. I have tried to maintain the skill and art that you are a part of, but with a year out of practice, I have lost my ability to improv with you. I am sorry that I must leave you behind, but your place is in my memory and in my heart. You must understand, please don't take this personally, but you just aren't a part of my life anymore. I will still pick you up from time to time to reminisce the days when I could come up with a routine on the dime with my ipod blaring for my ears only, but I must acknowledge that those days are of the past now.

You were one of the best things to happen to me, so beloved flag and rifle, take care. I will always love you.

With bittersweet goodbye,

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Soul to soul, evolving from Disney to Adam and Eve

I never realized before how great a song "You'll be in my heart" from Tarzan is. I always have loved it, but found it kind of cheesy, but this time I listened to the words and they really spoke to me. I never could find just the right word to explain it, but I think I've kind of found it with the help of these lyrics and a really deep conversation with my best friend. I find that I have always been ashamed to have feelings for someone. I'm embarrassed. I'm afraid of one more unrequited crush or that they'll get awkward around me if they find out (i also get paranoid that they'll figure it out) and any friendship we might have would be tainted because they would assume that everything I do stems from a crush. I'm afraid of being "creepy". All this wierd paranoia makes me feel like a third grader. 

I'm the firmest of firm believers in soulmates and in signs, so I'm always on the lookout, or rather, ready to receive, any signs that a person could be my soulmate, yet if I get any hints of a vibe, I immediately apply my paranoia and embarrasment for even considering it. I want to feel completed and at peace when I receive vibes from any person, but I'm afraid that I'll be wrong. I'm afraid to misconstrue something and it wind up wrong. I'm even more afraid that I'll be right. I am terribly timid towards commitment, and to be right about that sort of thing is the ultimate form of commitment. 

I had a sort of epiphany a while ago. Our souls are our ultimate conscience. They are behind our backs, constantly pulling us towards our truest selves and our truest matches. I believe in two kinds of soulmates: the people who know your soul and with whom there are no secrets and the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with, who also falls into the first soulmate category. There is nothing hidden from those who truly know your soul. Adam and Eve were created as soulmates in this way, which is why they did not need clothes. They were soulmates to each other and to God. (sorry to get religious..) There was nothing hidden because they knew each other's souls, the most intimate and all-knowing that two people can be, therefore, the nakedness on the surface was nothing, because they could see through every layer of each other, physically, emotionally, down as far as could be reached. 

Monday, May 12, 2008

Hello, summer! I welcome you with open arms.

I'm not used to being out of school this early. My mind is used to going til the end of May, and it hasn't quite sunk in that there are no classes for the next four months. I am still without a car, full time job, and i haven't quite finished unpacking from moving back home. I am proud to say, however, that I am watching Mary Poppins on the first TV to ever exist in my bedroom. 

I've decided to make a list of things I want to do this summer. Granted, I'll get about half of them halfway completed, but it's always fun to make a list :]
- read real books. so expect a reading list to come... hehe
- watch every Natalie Portman and Tom Hanks movie.
- learn how to use my dad's 1983 Canon film camera
- learn Hebrew 
- go on as many spontaneous adventures as possible, including tons of camping trips
- obtain a Diamond St sign
- break my fingers trying to learn barre chords
- learn to play mandolin
- attend only weddings and no funerals
- Find roommates for next year outside of the dorms... oy...
- bank enough money to avoid having a job next semester
- take the 8 year old girl i'm babysitting all of June on fun little adventures she'll never forget and expose her to the Beatles
- spend more time outdoors than i ever have in my life
- regularly go on bike rides and yoga classes
- strengthen the friendships i've made this year
-  get completely covered from head to toe in mud
- TIE DYE like a crazy muthafuggin hippie
So here I go, racing head-on into summer. Friends, let's go have fun :]

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Dear May,

You are all around me in your strangest form. I feel your warmth, the ever-glowing presence of the sun shadowed by the gray sheath of clouds and tingling drops of rain. With your arrival an ending has attached, I leave a life, a group of friendsand return to sheltered suburban-ness. My communal, carefree society is malignant to the scorning of my other life. I feel two-faced. I am ashamed. I see nothing wrong with the existential being that consumes me until their worries penetrate my membrane. They don't know. They have no reason to worry. I am not drowning in a pot of sinking sand. Though at times I feel I am. At times I fight nature. I fight instinct, I create an internal gnawing at my identity. What is it? Who am I? I feel like "Most Likely to Not Succeed". I have no motivation, I have no challenge. That's it. Nothing to challenge me, to keep me focused. No incentive. But I should. My parents are broke. That should be enough, but it's not. I am sinking. I can't return home. I sink faster there. There's nothing to grab on to, no consistency, except my mother's irrationality and drunken stupor. I flee from it. I want her to be one thing, but she is not. I want to tell the world my troubles, but in a whisper. I'll talk until somebody listens. Someone will. 

Oh, May. You bring me to a crossroad. Who am I? What do I want? Where should I go? And most of all, What is important?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

All you need is love... and friends

"You wanna know how I knew he was an asshole? He talks fast, he talks loud, and he doesn't say much."
- The greatest "relationship" advice from one of the greatest people in the world.

Just within the past week/ few days, I've become so incredibly aware of who my truest, dearest friends are- the people who really care about me, watch out for me, and bring out the best in me. I'm blessed to have six such people in my life, two of whom are immediate family, the other four have rightfully earned their spot in my honorary family. May we be a part of eachothers' weddings, funerals, and everything from now til then. 

It's funny how the realization of an end brings out such an intense bond, and how it's based on common roots. Never in my life, though, have I felt such overwhelming love for anybody. They have captured my soul and I have let my wall down so that they could enter the deep, dark world that I live in. I know that I can trust each and every one of them with my life, and that they are the most capable people of digging me out of a bad mood and making everything better. Every friend I gain will be held up against them in comparison, but nobody could ever measure up. 

Thank you, guys. You make my world go round.