Christmas wishes

It still isn't quite real that Christmas is only a few days away. Perhaps the holiday just doesn't mean as much to me as it did when I was younger. I don't want anything, nor do I really need anything, and I don't want to express my love for others with bought things. I'd rather do extra nice things for everybody to show them how much they mean to me.

I only wish that Christmas would be a reason for people to be genuinely kind and giving to eachother, and that it would last all year round. The lights and decoration, though at times are rather gaudy and severely overdone, nonetheless create an aura of joy. Somehow, the idea of walking around in the cold, looking at lit up houses, all bundled up drinking hot chocolate is still pretty appealing. Then I go near a store or turn on the TV and I'm reminded of what makes me sick about Christmas. 

My birthday is just as easy to forget about. I'm never used to it existing because it's always been muddled in with Christmas and no one has ever really made a big deal about it. I live through my friends' birthdays, trying to make their's every bit as happy and celebrated as I wish mine were. But while I've never really spent it around people constantly reminding me it's my day, I must admit, I have been extremely blessed to spend nearly all 20 with my grandma, and I will always remember my birthday with her as if it were her day, too.

So, in honor of a special time of year, do something, or rather, as many nice things for people as you can. Go out of your way. Give people a little bit of yourself for the holiday, whichever you celebrate. 

Our memory is too digital

I lost my camera, my dinky digital that I finally mastered after messing around with film. 

First, my movies. Now my camera, but this time it was my fault. Perhaps another reinforcer at how responsible I'm expected to be. Or perhaps the natural order pushing me away from the social conformance and into a world where i hold a tighter grasp on my own individual experience. 

I'm back to film. I've missed it, but I miss my digital more. It's sad when automated rinky-dinks are more appealing than hands-on creativity doohickies. Especially when the appeal is provoked by money.

- - There is only now. Everything is temporary. This is your life. Love is all you need. Feed your mind. Create instead of forcing. Don't blend into the world; put yourself into it. - -