Thursday, January 28, 2010

Open heart surgery

Myself vs. others. Myself and others. Others, then myself. Others and others. I've been wrapped up in this relation and concept lately. I envision all these little people floating in a big, dark expanse, connected by strings. All the sudden, something pulls the end of the string and all the people schoompht! together in a cluster, a tight, secure cluster. I envision one person as the puller, yanking the string and jerking everyone else around until finally we all are pulled together and the puller is left dangling. And sad as that is that the puller is left that way, but the everyone else is stronger because they're united and close and protected.

But one thing I became conscious of today was the scraping and wounds of other people attached to the puller, outside of myself. My aunt said, "I just want my sister back". And hearing from my aunts the tidbits of conversations they'd had with my dad over the past few heart swells with pride and with love.

And then, dad's heart swells. I mean, it literally swells- snapping- clogged with debris and breaking. And his heart is the twig Joel and I hold in our teeth to distract from our own pain. And finally it snapped, and we were all awakened. We strain to make our fantasies of carefree gathering and peaceful dinner conversations of football, grades, and FAFSA but they are a distant light we have not reached yet.

I read a book about a mountain man who climbs the highest peaks to get closer to God and I turn the doctor's heart attack diagram into a mountain range dotted with a little town and a weaving, tumbling spring. A man raises his hands to the sun and reaches up to grab the hand that descends from the golden rays.

"He climbs the highest peak, the closest physical place to the sun, the closest place to God"
- In the Mountains of Heaven by Mike Tidwell

Broken hearts are mended every day
and strings that sew the vessels back together
pull the stars that dance upon on the ends
towards each other, close and tight
where joined as one
and ten times bright

1 comment:

pianoflames said...

i know how it is. my old man had a triple bypass the day before high school graduation. glad to hear he's okay!