So, what's new?

Outpouring all-inclusive love

2011-12-15T20:47:00.002-06:00

This is a beautiful life. My friends are amazing- old and new. Each day in its entirety is beautiful, even when it leaves my body and mind gasping for energy by 6:00 pm. Unwinding is a time-illiterate process. Knitting. Yoga. Reading. Sitting on the back porch. Remembering that exhaling tension out my fingers upon the guitar strings feels so good after a long day.

Combining yoga and rock climbing makes every part of my body throw a party. Wednesdays I attend an amazing yoga class that brings new meaning to life. Carol and I have gone out to Rumbling Bald, this amazing acreage of boulder fields, and obsessing over a pretty challenging route on the ceiling of a quasi-cave boulder.

And this strength and flexibility practice is spreading into other areas of life. Yesterday I successfully played on monkeybars for the first time in my entire life. I spent most of the day playing with kids on playgrounds. I feel more and more in tune with the things going on around me and with the needs and energy of the kids I work with, but so fully immersed in it that I become consumed with feeding those needs.

Also for the first time, I am entirely involved in the processes of running my own show. Having a big idea -> taking some initiative to make it real -> planning -> enacting -> experiencing an idea/dream come true -> reflecting. I run tutoring groups. I run an after school program. What the fudge? (Sign you work with kids: saying things like that all the time).

Oh yeah. And there was Thanksgiving too. Talk about a soul recharge! Suddenly I felt like I could relate to all of my cousins. It felt like the maturity gap had almost entirely dissolved in the last year. We spent the better part of the long weekend making a movie continuing a saga started circa 1994, including some 2nd cousins. Look for a post to come with the youtube link.

Things I am looking forward to:
Seeing friends and family for the holidays... in 4 days!!!
Ginny moving to Atlanta- 4 hrs away!!!! And having a kickass Americorps gig to boot!
Winter's prolonged arrival (it was 65 degrees and sunny today!!!!!) with a snowstorm
2012 (dun dun dun)

Mantra:
May your heart be filled with compassion, kindness, and most importantly, love.
Let love pour out of you like sunbeams.
Don't leave a single person out!
You can do this!
And you will feel better than you have ever felt before.
- Lewis Rothlein

Falling into place

2011-11-10T20:20:00.006-06:00

October was blissfully gorgeous. For four weeks, I drove around with colors dancing in my eyes and spent inordinate amounts of time with children. With a brief jolt, November reminds me of how temporary life is. Last week began with a lot of newness. A new reading group of very sweet 2nd graders. A new after school site completely different in every way. A new black smear on my front bumper. And bare trees towering over sidewalks blanketed in leaves.

But before November could begin, before these changes, October had to end, and it went out with a BANG. Abbie and Jon visited from Denton and brought two friends for MOOGfest. Below we sit on a statuesque memorial bench randomly placed on the side of a building. All photo credits to Abbie.

Saturday I volunteered during the Flaming Lips show. My third time to see the band (always a BLAST), but this time, from a brand new and amazing perspective. Instead of dancing in a sea of confetti-showered folks in costume competing to punch giant balloons, I was working a booth right next to the crowd and watched the entire spectacle from there. It was windy, and the ginormous balloons kept getting stuck behind our tent. I nominated myself the balloon fetcher and had all the balloons to punch that my heart desired.

Sunday, I joined my visiting friends for a glorious day on the town. We had a tasty lunch, visited a drum shop that was hosting a jimbeh class, mosied over to sit in a dark room and enjoy Brian Eno's 77 Million Paintings installation (check out the link btw! it's about the installation) before hitting up some more music- M83 and Umphrey's McGee. But really, the highlight of the weekend was hanging out with friends from home (and new friends!). I often think of Denton and miss the wonderful people and community, and it made my heart sing to catch up and spend time with dear friends from home :)

Monday, during my lunch break, we took a stroll up the road and found a hidden trail, the leftover trash from a homeless camp that used to live in a gulch, and a breathtaking view of the city below in autumn glory. Below is a view down my street.

This is our view of the city from just up the hill/mountain/it's all relative just know it's mighty mighty steep. See the mountains in the background? Yeah. I STILL get goosenipplebumps looking at those.
A little peekaboo at just how bright the colors are. Crayola missed a few colors. There could be a whole box of 24 dedicated to Autumn in the Blue Ridge.

Things I'm looking forward to:
* Project RISE (my actual after school program that's been much delayed) finally starting next week.
* Road trip with brother bear to NY/CT area for Thanksgiving with the Diamond clan (more like squirming in my seat absolutely excitedly awaiting)
* Road trip with Carol to TEXAS for Christmakkahbirthday. Heads up, by the way. Dec 22- Jan 2. Denton/ Dallas/ McKinney/Austin, you will feel my love. More details later.

Socks & Sandals

2011-10-27T21:05:00.004-05:00

Fall is in full shebang. Cold nights, warm afternoons, chilly winds shaking yellow, red, orange leaves from trees. And noses running, of course. Friday morning awakened to a blanket of white fuzz- the First Frost. Of course, I was in a tent, snuggled in a sleeping bag wearing long johns. I continue to wear my sandals, sporting the ever-classic socks & sandals look. The kids really like my rainbow toe socks, and point out when my socks don't match (most days). I procrastinate buying a pair of shoes.

Speaking of kids, I am absolutely in LOVE with the group at my after school site. I found out this week that I will be transferred to another after school site, and my heart hurts. Tomorrow is my last day in paradise with my brood. They don't know yet :( On the good side, I have also jumped aboard the YMCA Garden Team. They are expanding the garden, and need an extra hand while a member is away for a few months. I'll be working on sheet mulching to make new soil, making raised beds with cob building, rainwater collection barrels, and will have a greenhouse to my disposal at the new after school site! I am SUPER STOKED!!

Also this week, I have a new reading group of 2nd graders- sweet, adorable 2nd graders! The other groups are going just swell. We're all in the groove and already I see them growing so much in their reading, it's so awesome! Even at After School, I have a little group of kindergartners that read to me. It's so much fun watching them learn!

But the highlight of recent past is LEAF. Last weekend, I volunteered at the festival. My soul was recharged. Emily, Ashley, Johnsie, Brianna, Otis and myself camped in a giant field with hundreds of other camps. There were some pretty legit setups with kitchens and huge tents and portable fire rings. We froze the first night and then brought a fire ring back after a jaunt into town for Make A Difference Day. The entire weekend was filled with awesome music, stellar people watching and friend making, volunteering jaunts that included sitting in front of a giant stone fireplace playing with little children, and camp food. Lake Eden is in a valley amongst rolling mountains that are vibrant with fall colors, especially amazing during sunset when everything is gilded. The two best parts: children climbing in trees and bushes all over the place all the time, and watching some of my kiddos from school performing with their LEAF In Schools and Streets teacher from Malawi.

This weekend, Abbie is coming to Asheville for Moogfest. I'm super stoked to see her, play tour guide, and Again... hopefully seeing The Flaming Lips, Passion Pit, Umphreys McGee, St. Vincent, and more.... for free... because I'm volunteering. Serious perks to being a professional volunteer :)

Good Idea Days

2011-10-09T16:57:00.010-05:00

A month without a post tells the tale of the constant adventure that I live in. With both morning and afternoon work placements in full swing, time has begun to race by. I can't keep track of hours, days, weeks or months at all. Rather, I sense time progressing by the increasing attachment growing for each of the kiddos I work with and the easier it gets to help them sound out a hard word, redirect them during chaos at After School, and the better my answer gets to the question, "What's wrong with your hair?".

Signs of settling in are more noticeable, and a regular routine of sorts has emerged. Mornings come to soon, but by the time the first group of kids tumble into the tutoring lab, I'm ready to face the day with a mug of tea. After a morning of tutoring kids in reading, I head to Carol's house for a daily lunch date followed by a blissful hour reading in a hammock before heading to my After School site and spend the afternoon hanging outside with an awesome group of kids, some days working with them in the garden, some days just playing in the woods.

Weekends still are full of volunteering at festivals. It is now Fall Carnival season for the schools, and of course, Americorps volunteers are involved at each one. Sundays, however, are Adventure Days, and remain Good Idea Days as well. Check out the pictures from each of the hikes!

9/25- Deep Gap Trail, Mt. Mitchell State Park with Graham, Marian, Chrissy, Austin, and Luna
An absolutely stunning hike along the ridgeline of the Black Mountains. The trail is 4.5 miles and crosses 4 peaks. We got as far as Mt. Craig (6,647 ft- 2nd highest peak East of the Mississippi!) before we had to turn back b/c of time, but I really want to do an overnight backpack trip on the full trail. Between the peaks, the trail winds through a mixed hardwood and spruce forest. Rocks and trees are covered in green moss and it smells like Christmas trees. Emerging from the forest at the peak reveals the rainbow of trees in full Autumn bloom. Easily my favorite trail.

10/2- Yoga on the Mountain Hike to Hemphill Bald with Emily, Cam, and Nathan

We arrived late and met a group of fellow yogis at the top of Hemphill Bald on the Cataloochee Ranch in Maggie Valley- a 2.5 mi hike through private, protected land. The view was magnificent, especially from downward facing dog, looking up at the sky. After our yoga practice, we hiked back down the mountain and from a distance saw two black bear cubs! After much discussion, we decided it was safe for our large group of 9 to continue, making lots of noise and song to warn Mama Bear of our presence.

10/9- Bradley Falls with Carol and Alyssa. Beautiful 80 ft drop waterfall over black rocks, surrounded by trees vibrant with yellow, red, green, and orange leaves. The trail is flat and roped with roots and the occasional fallen tree, splitting off to smaller trails frequently. One split off is a steep climb down the mountain to the river and bottom of the falls. It requires hands and feet, especially on the climb back up, clambering on a natural "staircase" of roots and boulders. One part requires rapelling down a 20 ft rock face using a rope installed on a tree. We picnicked just beneath the falls on a rock and sang silly songs. I took pictures with the film camera, they'll come later.

Blue in the Blue Ridge

2011-09-08T22:25:00.006-05:00

Sometimes at night I feel mopey. It usually happens when I find myself alone at home and my roommates made plans together and I somehow missed the boat. Usually, they're going to a bar, and I don't feel like going anyway, but I find it an excuse to indulge in loneliness. I'll sit on the roof or in my room strumming songs that half make me feel better and half further the indulgence. Then I'll facebook stalk people from Texas and ache a bit for all the familiarity and friends and whatnot, and feel a little homesick.

It's been an off week. It's been an on week, too. I just feel weird. This weekend was pretty bipolar- some really awesome stuff- the Lexington Ave Arts & Fun Fest (LAFF), which I volunteered at; friends from Denton in town, a long weekend, and a cold front; and some really sad stuff- a breakup. LAFF really was amazing- street performers, bicycle jousting, live music, people in costume (lots of tutus). Having friends in town, playing tour guide and catching up was refreshing. But the breakup sucked and I feel especially needy for hugs and laughs from good ol' friends. I'm great at giving hugs, not so great at asking for them.

Work, however, has been a huge plus in my life. My morning reading tutoring program gives me a chance to plug into some social work background and learn a bit about teaching. Some of my kids require a bit of collaboration with teachers, and I recently learned one child is autistic. Tuesday I began at the after school site, where I basically hang out with awesome kiddos in the woods for a few hours. My particular program won't start til October, but it will be at the same site. A cold front blew in with Trop. Storm Lee this weekend, and so it is absolutely lovely and autumn is peeking around the corner. Today, I attempted to teach group of giggly little girls how to sew. Good news- no battle wounds or gouged eyes! They did really well :) The project goal is that the group will eventually make a quilt, each child embroidering their own patch! Isn't that adorable???? The site leader gave me the go-ahead to take on the project :)

I've sure got a lot to be grateful for- a WHOLE lot- though things are still transitioning and I'm a wee bit impatient at times and mopey at others. I am glad to say, the wars between my cat and a roommate's cat are lessening, and I even caught them licking each other for a brief second earlier.

Giving and Receiving

2011-08-28T21:39:00.006-05:00

Today was the first day at my actual position! I have my own little classroom at an elementary school where I tutor kids who need extra help with reading, using this cool computer program called Read Naturally. I never thought I'd have my own room and my own little group of kids. Each group comes in for about 30 minutes, so the day goes by pretty fast. It's tiny- even my little bedroom is bigger- but there's a wall of windows that look out to the mountains! And I have a blank wall to make posters and hang kids' drawings on :) In the afternoons, I will be working at a YMCA after school program, but that doesn't technically start til October, so the next month will be more a planning phase.

The past week, I've kept super busy. Friday night and Saturday, the team led crafts with kiddos at the Kid Zone at the Goombay Festival celebrating West African and Caribbean culture in Downtown while an urban youth stomp/dance team performed and a LEAF In Schools artist led a drum circle in the YMI Cultural center, a historic community center for the African American community of Asheville. We had some pretty nifty craft stations- Sijal and his group set up a "loom"- yarn tied between 8 chairs, coming together in the middle, where children wove different types of yarn, string, ribbon, and fabric to make a colorful "God's Eye"-esque craft, which we hung on display in the window of the YMI. On Friday, in partnership with City of Asheville's Easel Rider mobile art lab, myself, Johnsie, and Alyssa helped kiddos, parents, and adults create a collage mural of magazine clippings, which reminded me of the good ol' Panhandle House days in Denton when Ginny, Jaime, Josh, random friends, and I would go through National Geographic and make our own collages.

In my free time (that not spent volunteering), yoga, climbing, hanging out with my Americorps buddies, and playing concerts on my porch. Since finding a $5 pair of climbing shoes, I got a membership to the local climbing gym and gone 3-4 times a week, something I've wanted to do for over a year but kept putting off. I made a friend last week at the gym, who also works at a bar downtown that often has awesome bands play. He invited Carol and I to go out to Grandmother Mountain and boulder, so yesterday we packed into my little red car with 2 crash pads and drove out into the mountains. The rocks are AWESOME!!! Just high enough to push my acrophobia but keep my cool. We ran into some fellow Ashevillians and their dogs, and left when our hands were ripped up and covered in medical tape.

Also yesterday, friends Graham and Marion and I explored two of the many farmer's markets, which take our food stamps! We tasted fresh local honey and carried bags of the most delicious peaches, apples, and homemade sourdough bread to the car with a skip to our walk.

Asheville is amazing, the people are beautiful and happy, and there are so many exciting things to explore. I am so lucky to have this built-in group of friends, otherwise I'd probably feel overwhelmed by the big city. It's nice to start making friends outside the Americorps circle too, I certainly miss the small town community of Denton where I knew people everywhere I went. We have so much food at the house, it's humbling really, because it all came from a generous donation from the food bank to the Americorps team and from food stamps. We don't get paid until mid-September, and even then the pay will be meager. This is the life of professional volunteers. It's cool- we're all here to serve the community, and the community gives right back to us with equally open arms.

One man's trash, another's treasure

2011-08-12T19:21:00.006-05:00

(This was written a week ago and I'm just now posting)

I wish I had pictures from today. Brian does, he takes about 200 pictures a day, and he said he'd send me his favorites. The reason is, we did our first service project at the Randolph Learning Center (RLC), the alternative school for kids with behavioral issues. Administration has decided to rename the school in favor of a new acronym after the students started calling themselves "Retarded Little Children".

Anyways, after a morning of presentations on all the job positions, we split into groups to do different projects around the school to spruce it up. A few others and myself removed a neglected terrarium from the cafeteria and cleaned weeds out the greenhouse. We found some treasure there: a massive tomato plant dripping with green bulbs and a copperhead. We relocated after meeting the snake, and I proudly rescued the tomato plant to the growing garden on Mt Buchanan. Another group that included my housemates Chrissy and Steven carried a bunch of furniture to a dumpster out front. Upon realizing that there were useable desks and chairs in the dumpster, about 5 of us climbed right in and used a power tool to remove the carpeted privacy walls from the desks (ya know... the kind you sit in in ISS...) and hauled them right back out of the dumpster. Now, all I need is a (real) bed!

It's been one hell of a great week. The team is like a family already, we're all on the same page and work harmoniously with one another. We went to karaoke night Wednesday, and Matt and his fiance Liz took the cake and made it to the finals; Matt came in 2nd. They are awesome, both hold theater degrees and are from Austin, TX! Last night, a group of about 6 of us went to a yoga class and left with super flexible hips from holding pigeon pose for wayyyyy too long. But here's what really brought us together: the Get Motivated! business conference, aka Get Scammed! We caravanned to Greenville, SC at 6 AM with high hopes of hearing Bill Cosby, Laura Bush, Steve Forbes, Rudy Giuliani, and a bunch of other big shot speakers. We arrived at an arena at capacity- 21,000 people- and promptly watched a circus spectacle complete with confetti, fire cannons, and spotlights. Some of the speakers had some good stuff to say, but mostly it was an infomercial for an investment management software aka scam. We left early.

I live on a mountain

2011-08-08T22:13:00.003-05:00

Yes. A real mountain. In the middle of the city. The road is so steep, we downshift to 1st gear to get down, around a sharp few curves, and back down to the main road. We floor it to get uphill, and there are 5 cars (one an orange, empty 15-passenger van) gridlocked in the narrow driveway made for 2 minivans. Downtown is a 20 minute walk/ 15 minute strenuous hilly bike ride, where there are coffee shops, artsy shops, eateries, and local businesses galore, all using locally grown produce. Everyone wears chacos and drives a subaru, except the firefighters, and they get called out at least 6 times a day. We live behind a hospital; the sirens kinda replace the train whistles that you could set your clock to in Denton.

Today was the first day of orientation. The next three weeks will be a glorious medley of team building, paperwork, complimentary awesome food, get-to-know-ya games, and an overload of program information. Tomorrow: picnic on Mt. Pisgah, some serious paperwork stuff, and swimming in waterfall-fed pools. Wednesday: leadership conference, where Bill Cosby, Ross Perot, and Laura Bush are speaking, among others. The team- 25 adults of all sorts of ages, backgrounds, and such. Already, I've had some awesome conversations. It feels so great to instantly have a bunch of awesome friends. The good stuff definitely offsets the rocky start :)

In a book exchange on my way out of Denton, I was given the Autobiography of Mohandas Gandhi, which is catching me in a really great way. He talks about leaving India to study in London and having to learn a new culture of social norms and etiquette, language, and
diet in addition to studying to be a lawyer. Even he had a series of hiccups in the kickoff of his adventure. I feel like this book is speaking the words of friends and family of similar encouragement :)

Right place, right time

2011-07-31T19:08:00.003-05:00

After a few day's delay, I am finally in Asheville, NC. Last Sunday, I drove out to meet my friend Meg who accompanied me on the journey. We left Tuesday, after watching a beautiful and much needed rainstorm. We made an adventure out of the drive- taking the Natchez Trace Parkway through Mississippi, a corner of Alabama, and Tennessee. The NTP is chock full of history and was an awesome alternative to taking the Interstate. No traffic, no semi-trucks, no billboards or big signs for fast food and truck stops. Instead, we stopped at scenic picnic areas, camped in a state park, and visited the Mississippi Craft Center, a museum of local folk crafts. In Tennessee, we took a few State Highways towards Lynchburg and toured the Jack Daniels distillery.

Fun Fact: It is legal to produce, but not to sell liquor, beer, and wine in the county where Jack Daniels Distillery is located, due to remaining Prohibition laws.

Thursday, we arrived at the Great Smoky Mountains National Park and camped with Tera, a friend from Denton. We went on a few hikes, cooked some awesome camp food, and went tubing in the river at the campground. Along the trails, we swam in the river and a few waterfalls in our underwear. No shame :) And when we did finally pull into Asheville, this is what welcomed me to my new home:

Yep. Bele Chere is a FREE, four-stage music festival that completely takes over the downtown area- a good 6 square blocks- for three days. And lining the closed-off streets are booths of local businesses and craftsmen, amazingly talented street performers and side musical acts, and raging evangelists side-by-side the equally vocal members of the Asheville gay community.

Tomorrow, roommates move in. And thus, Welcome to Asheville, Jordan!

Murphy's Law is a sign of good fortune, right?

2011-07-21T23:22:00.006-05:00

One week before I had planned to embark on Operation Major Life Change (aka moving across the country), my car, safely parked in front of my house, had a little run in. Needless to say.... OMLC has been delayed by Murphy's Law. Yeah, it's pretty frustrating, I was eager to get on with a new adventure. But I suppose in my eagerness I nearly left my home state with a few loose ends left untied. I suppose it's not what I had planned- staying with my parents for a week plus some, sharing a futon with my brother, reading and being lazy- but sometimes the best laid plans go awry to make room for a better plan. I'm glad, at least, to get some extra time to spend with family and some dear, old friends, and a chance to practice being a grown up before having to do it on my own in another time zone.

But seriously... I'm ready to get MOVING!!! :)

Silly quote:
"Picky-picky, I hope you have 9 lives, and you wake up tomorrow someone else's cat, and sometimes they feed you melon rinds."
- Ramona Quimby, from Ramona and Beezus by Beverly Cleary

The choice is mine

2011-04-17T13:43:00.003-05:00

Two roads diverged in yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler long I stood
And looked down one long as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth
.....................

When should I move? Should I get a job? Should I do this? Should I do that? There are questions, so many uncertainties, and a dear friend explained to me yesterday, there are so many possibilities. And this is an adventure! But I keep catching myself wallowing in "can't" and "not" and "wish" and all those other words that build dissatisfaction inside of me instead of pricking my excitement for a new adventure. I love uncertainty! I love adventure! I love just going with the flow. The Debbie Downer fairy has gotten in my head, and by jove I want her out. This is the time of my life! And what the hell else am I on this planet for except to enjoy myself?

I'm making a list of things I want to do and setting an intention. The rest will follow suit.

Thoughts on changing the world

2011-04-11T22:00:00.003-05:00

"I am a change agent. I must be the change I wish to see in the world."

This phrase haunts me. At first, the phrase was innocent, motivational, thought provoking. But somewhere in the force-fed curriculum thrust at me from all directions, it turned into something of a vile dissatisfaction with the world. First, all of these imperfections with society were exploited as "social problems" that must be fixed. Next, all the ways to fix these problems were presented with smiling faces. And so the thought process began. And over and over again, I practiced identifying "social problems", "ways to fix them, and then developed a plan to intervene and change the world. Maybe that was just my reaction. But it began to seep into my every day thoughts on everything, and now all I see in the world around me are social problems.

Here's what I've been struggling with: this thought process comes from a complex that says "the world is not good enough!". It's synonymous with arrogant dissatisfaction. And they wonder why social workers burnout?? I have a chronic dissatisfaction with everything that isn't as I want it to be. I'm finding there's a big, big difference between helping people and trying to change people.

Here's the thought process that makes more sense to me: the world simply is the way it is. people are the way they are. and i'm not on this earth to change that. i'm on this earth to be a part of that. and things do change, things do evolve, and i'm a part of that too.

"If there's one thing that's certain, it's that everything I see of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak"

Do things differently

2010-11-07T12:23:00.002-06:00

I had a dream that I was in a drafty, stonewalled room standing before a giant fireplace. A string of iridescent green-blue birds appeared and one landed on my finger and gripped with its little feet. I became weightless as they flew spiraling up the chimney to take me to soar above mountains and desert, where we stopped on a ridge or a tree branch or the like to stare in awe at the beauty of vast wilderness.

The dream I have come to interpret as a visual representation of a transition I have been undergoing for the past year. Cycles of grieving, jubilee, panic, and tranquility have been consistent and of cumulative intensity and October was a drafty, stonewalled room.

There was a moment a day or two ago I stood up too fast and the room shook like an etch-a-sketch while my head adjusted to gravity. Everything was blurred and out of focus save for these words in white on a painting: Do things differently. I wrote this soon after in a moment of connective clarity:

You said I'd write a book someday- the story of your life
the story you've forgotten, the life you didn't want
But the best laid plans not set in stone
are scribed in sandy shores
wiped away by rising tides that signal season's change

He says, "I know that I'm memorable, my mother knows my name"
But mine's forgotten I exist
her hairline bears her shame

I am not superwoman
tonight the world will smolder while my eyes are turned away
You hear the words I utter:
I am human. Take my hide.

Walk away, walk away
Find another place to stay
your home is packed onto your back
you're pulling baggage from the sack to lighten up your load
You're lightening your load
And lightning down the road is warning of the storm
A low pressure system with beauty in its form
You're shifting in your form

Red light Green light

2010-08-11T13:48:00.004-05:00

Two weeks I've been in one place, not carrying my home in the back of a car or counting on open hearts for a square of couch for a night's rest. What phases me more than staying put a while is returning to see that life continued while I was away, and things and places changed. The old house I lived in before has fresh coats of paint over the crazy, colorful murals that roommates and friends painted last year. The little Toto-dog who danced and sprung with exuberant joy and raced in figure-8s through the yard rests in a hole in the back corner marked by three simple rocks and a wreath of dried carnations. And while I used to live in a house on a one-way main street with people coming and going and sleeping on the couch or in our beds, home is now a small house on a neighborhood street behind the high school football stadium, and three roommates who keep to their rooms mostly since there's no communal living room. I must say, it's nice to be home- to have a home- but I do miss living by an atlas instead of a calendar, the sun instead of a clock, and a forest instead of a bathroom.

Midnight facebook stumbling last night, I found a friend's blog and read through posts that weaved every day experiences into words of wisdom that I took to heart in a way. She told the story of sitting at a traffic light behind two cars. One had a green turning arrow, but the other still a red light, however, impatient, inattentive, and eager, the second car proceeded with the green arrow and narrowly missed an oncoming car. Right now, we're both sitting at red lights in life and we see other people with green arrows, moving forward. There's a frequent conversation I have with myself, one side becoming impatient and "waiting" for passion and adventure to land in my lap and envious of others who have found their's, the other side showing the first where adventure lies within every day life and the passion that does seep through every now and then. I've kept a journal all summer, for the past 72 days, documenting each day's adventures, and there's not been a dull day so far. Even days spent in front of a book or the TV (only two!) are an adventure by comparison to each other.

So, the point is, every day is what you make of it. It's all in your perspective. Life keeps going, whether you're in one place or the other, whether you're paused at a red light or passing through a green light. Do with it what you will, this is what you have to work with, this is the life you have to live with.

Free and feeling everything

2010-05-17T20:18:00.002-05:00

Sitting in the big blue papasan chair in the room I call "mine", I sit with my leg propped on a pillow and an ice bag on the wooden chair that serves as my nightstand. The sun is setting and green is the only color I can see when I look out the window in front of me. Vines have taken over the space where trees and shrubs do not grow and these plants all intertwine and creep up the walls of our house and between the cracks in the windows in the room that was Ali's and is now Taylor's.

The growing vines, setting sun, and my slowly healing ankle are only a taste of the changes in this place. Spring semester is over, Saturday was commencement ceremony, Sunday was farewell day. Now I find new things to do and spend time with new people. I find myself thinking about changes a lot. Funny how the things you want to change don't and the things you don't want to change do. But when people and things change and leave, a place that was occupied in your time is now open for something new. This is freedom, in a new sense.

Today, I hobbled around on crutches, organized my room, aired up my car tires, read an entire book that made me smile :) and made an intention for this summer: live and leave theory alone.

Open heart surgery

2010-01-28T18:57:00.003-06:00

Myself vs. others. Myself and others. Others, then myself. Others and others. I've been wrapped up in this relation and concept lately. I envision all these little people floating in a big, dark expanse, connected by strings. All the sudden, something pulls the end of the string and all the people schoompht! together in a cluster, a tight, secure cluster. I envision one person as the puller, yanking the string and jerking everyone else around until finally we all are pulled together and the puller is left dangling. And sad as that is that the puller is left that way, but the everyone else is stronger because they're united and close and protected.

But one thing I became conscious of today was the scraping and wounds of other people attached to the puller, outside of myself. My aunt said, "I just want my sister back". And hearing from my aunts the tidbits of conversations they'd had with my dad over the past few months...my heart swells with pride and with love.

And then, dad's heart swells. I mean, it literally swells- snapping- clogged with debris and breaking. And his heart is the twig Joel and I hold in our teeth to distract from our own pain. And finally it snapped, and we were all awakened. We strain to make our fantasies of carefree gathering and peaceful dinner conversations of football, grades, and FAFSA but they are a distant light we have not reached yet.

I read a book about a mountain man who climbs the highest peaks to get closer to God and I turn the doctor's heart attack diagram into a mountain range dotted with a little town and a weaving, tumbling spring. A man raises his hands to the sun and reaches up to grab the hand that descends from the golden rays.

"He climbs the highest peak, the closest physical place to the sun, the closest place to God"
- In the Mountains of Heaven by Mike Tidwell

Broken hearts are mended every day
and strings that sew the vessels back together
pull the stars that dance upon on the ends
towards each other, close and tight
where joined as one
and ten times bright

Remember the sun when it hides away

2009-10-25T16:15:00.002-05:00

There is peace in letting go of the burdens that bog down the soul. An electric shiver of energy tingling in the muscles as it invigorates the currents flowing through the veins and capillaries that feed the body. Good morning! Awaken your soul and feel this new life energy, this chi that has broken from the wrinkled shell it hid inside, waiting for you to let your guard down and welcome it. It needs no coaxing, it only awaits your release and opened arms.

Can you feel the warmth of the sun's rays casually poking your winter-paled skin- is this something else you forgot how to feel and embrace? You've been cooped up in a dark, drafty room by the tears of the sky and howling chills of January's monster, and on this day of sun and warmth, do you find yourself eager and zealous to jump into a tank top or sundress or run naked in the lawn? But it is only October, and you remember that those days are separated from today by the promise of holiday cheer and wintry dreer. And so, as you sit in the dark cave lit by patchy sunlight, remember that you will be here for months to come, hibernating like the sun, and while the sun is still out for a little bit of the day, stake your claim on the lawn so you might remember the warmth it brings during the coming months of shivers and wheezing sky.

Take a sad song and make it better

2009-09-30T17:19:00.002-05:00

In the times where that is absolutely essential to do, it is also the most difficult. There is nothing left for me to do, it's in another's hands, and what could happen may tell a tragic story, but tragedy is not always avoidable and is sometimes necessary.

I put some bread in the toaster oven earlier and left it too long. The bread, of course, was covered in black, but most still looked edible. I began to scrape at the black part and found it flaked off like dust and left a perfectly good piece of toast, buttered it, and ate it. It was crunchy but still yummy.

So even when it looks as though something is unrepairable, the burnt part can be scraped off. Of course, it's not always that easy, especially when if the toast burns til its a hockey puck, but nonetheless, it made me smile when i thought about it.

I ask that anyone who reads this please keep a family member of mine in your thoughts or prayers or send good vibes their way, whichever path you choose. I know it's not going to be a pretty next few weeks, but even the darkest, steepest side of the mountain is warmed by the sun, thanks to the earth's orbit.

All their colors paint a story you could never tell in words

2009-09-22T23:18:00.003-05:00

Try to read the smile of the girl in the corner

Her eyes so far a part

They don't seem to know her

She floats above the trees

Her hair curls in the breeze

And you ask her

Why don't you have any knees?

Try to read the gaze of the girl by the window

Puffs a cigarette

From a face that's a shadow

She stands alone and fair

No clean clothes to wear

And you ask her

Why don't you have any hair?

Try to read the shrug of the boy in the middle

Holds a magic wand

His hair is getting brittle

He seems to understand

He must become a man

And you ask him

Why don't you have any hands?

And when their spirits met they knew there was something

Greater than this world

made out of nothing

They see the beauty in

Bodies connecting

And they ask you

Why don't you have any veins?

Why don't you have any eyes?

Why don't you have any ears?

Why don't you have any heart?

From mind to body

2009-09-05T18:55:00.003-05:00

Took a walk today to ease my mind

Had a destination that I thought I'd try

My skin was kissed by the sunshine

I felt the warmth it brought was not unkind

The roads were busy but the tree-lined streets

Welcomed friends to walk beneath

And on a corner a marketplace

Bearing gifts of the organic taste

I found some echinacea planting seeds

And some things for a tasty treat

As I headed home, I found a friend

And forgot the place I'd meant to end

I find less meaning living in my head

I'm moving to the beat of another tread

The world beckons my dancing feet

I take a walk now as a treat

A fresh start

2009-09-03T22:38:00.004-05:00

My house is on a busy one-way street. I sit on the front porch, any time of day, and serenade the passers-by on their way to class or Fry St. My music and the music blaring through open windows of cars mingle in the air for brief synapses. We constructed a clothesline in our living room because the dryers at the laundromat wouldn't dry our clothes. I didn't realize before how colorful our wardrobes are. Of course, all my tie dye shirts don't help. Today, I helped a lady coax her cat out from under a car while it was raining.

I've dropped and added at least 5 different classes, unable to make up my mind, and bought the textbooks for all of them only to have no use of them. My boss told me yesterday that tomorrow is my last day at my job, they can't work around my class schedule. I found out today that I'll have a total of 40 hours of volunteering required this semester. An interesting swap- more work for free less work for money. But who needs money anyway? I'm glad it worked out this way, my mindset'll get a much needed energy boost.

I'm making a list of trees that I want to climb on campus and around Denton. I found two so far. And I have all the materials to make a swing for one of the trees in front of our house, I just need to drill holes in the board and put it all together. And I've been thinking about my garden. Since there are no areas in the backyard that get consistently good sunlight all day, I've thought of putting plants in pots of sorts so I can move them around with the sun! And then when I move, or go anywere, I can bring them with me :)

Beach, mountain, forest, field

2009-08-19T19:53:00.002-05:00

Longview, TX, roughly 10 am, a week ago, we embarked on a drive, circular in shape when traced on a map, that would not come to a complete stop for 7 days. Our dear friend Meg waved goodbye from her log cabin porch, her smiling face to exist only in our memories until another, separate road trip brought us together again.

We encountered sunny, marshmallow filled skies, except the patchy violent southern thunderstorms in Louisiana and Florida. We spoiled a stranger's scavenger hunt picture of shoppers at a voodoo store in New Orleans by lifting our shirts and revealing our titties and bellybuttons. I dove unclothed into the cold, salty, playful ocean sang to the gulls and fish while Taylor ran through skittish flocks on the shore. We shared the beach with no one, the closest fishermen were far enough off to notice only the tugging of their lines. We visited my grandmother briefly, and I serenaded my grandfather's ashes with my guitar in the mausoleum behind their Catholic church.

We drove through the night with no certain destination, only a direction, and crabbiness and angst in the absence of sleep. An old man in a Hardee's fast food joint pointed us in the direction of a campground. The fog on the road at 5 am in North Carolina, so thick it reflects the glare of headlights back into your eyes, turned a shade of royal blue just before the sun rose. We found ourselves suddenly behind a range of green mountains peeking out of the blue fog as we turned a sharp curve in the road, and the sun also peeked from the horizon. We found the campsite and woke up at noon to find we were in a National Forest brimming with waterfalls- a natural water slide, nature trails and breathtaking views from 6,000 ft elevations above the clouds. We stumbled into paradise.

We wound through scenic mountain roads for three days, from the Pisgah National Forest to the Great Smoky Mountains, which turned out to be a huge tourist destination. I hopped atop boulders in the rivers in the park, and listened to the river's laughter, screams, and whispers. It told me to cross it- dared me, really- and I did. I used the current to push me towards rocks I could grab onto and pulled myself up, cutoffs and tshirt drenched. A woman in a tie dye shirt and a young boy waved and smiled at me from the bridge above. And I crossed again. Lesson: Go with the flow. Listen to it, and let it help you cross the rocky rapids you face.

The stretch of road from Tennessee to Arkansas wound through tree and ivy covered hill- whole fields of trees covered in ivy, grass covered in ivy. Craving for destination, cigarettes, and food dampened our moods, but the hugs and smiles that welcomed us in Batesville drove away any remnant of frowns and grumbles. Our souls were alive, awakened. I climbed around inside a pipe organ while Taylor serenaded "Let it Be" and "Mother's Day". And we spend the day with music and love, wishing we all lived in one place we never had to leave.

We dove from the car as soon as the engine was cut off and kissed the pavement of the driveway at 4 am yesterday. Our shoulders are sore from all the out-of-state license plates. We never want to get in a car again. We want cigarettes, sleep. We piss outside of locked hotels and spray pink silly string to keep smiles on our weary faces.

Good trip, brother :)

July, July! It never seemed so strange...

2009-07-01T20:23:00.003-05:00

Hello, July, old friend! You always sneak up on me before I'm quite ready. It's only when you radiate your heat from every surface open to summer sun rays that I realize you're here.

I've forgotten to do a lot of things I meant to. Vegetable garden... oops. Guitar strap... oops. Doorknob... oops. But it's best not to burn out on stuff to do, right? All in good time, I'll get done the things I want to. I'm at least happy to say I managed to make it to my cousin's bar mitzvah in New York, even though my boss didn't give me the time off until two days before my flight. Unfortunately, I couldn't hem or haw my way out of working this weekend so I could make it to Rainbow Gathering. *crosses fingers the world doesn't end before next year's* But I am intending to put in my two weeks pretty soon so I'll have all of august to roam the Eastern countryside. Florida... Smokey Mountains in Tennessee... maybe? All in good time :)

My backyard appears to be infested with fleas, mosquitos, and poison ivy. However, I discovered a place to climb on the flat part of the carport roof, and huzzah! My haven! And restless feet are pointing Northeast lately, after the afore mentioned New York trip. I'd forgotten the beloved warmth of family, and am beginning to wish I lived closer. All in good time. I may find myself wandering after graduation. Pick an agency and ask to be a rover. I'm sure someone needs a good utility social worker :)

The absence of close friends and the heavy weight of summer classes and work gives me much time to myself. Sometimes that's a good thing... but mostly I just think too much. But even this will pass soon.

L'chayim!

2009-04-22T10:54:00.005-05:00

I am a commitment-phobic young adult. The idea of settling down in any fashion is quite unsettling with me. And so, I've made a lifelong commitment, the only one that does not terrify me with the idea of closing doors. I'm ripping all the doors down.

I'm making a commitment to myself. I want to be able to sustain myself, not monetarily, but with my own knowledge. I want to be able to change my own oil and fix my own car and then not rely on it. I want to grow my own food and then turn it into sustenance. I want to learn how to provide my own medical care, from healing to birthing to maintaining good health. And most importantly, I want to share it all.

I'm committing to not backing out, and finding a way through all obstacles to uphold my promises, and therefore, not making promises I may not be able to keep. Even if money or other commitments stand in the way, I will find the way to still come through in the end.

I'm committing to confronting. I don't want to let problems or issues pass me by, I want to tackle them head on and leave nothing unsaid, misunderstood, or unclear.

These things I can do. I cannot commit to concrete, material things, or to time, but I can commit to a mindset and a lifestyle, both of which I believe will remain in a constant state of becoming.

Nine Things to do in 2009

2009-01-03T13:37:00.001-06:00

1. Go on a well-researched road trip to places in the US I’ve never been to. Any suggestions or companions are welcome :]

2. Read more good books. Stuff about philosophy, other cultures, religion, whatever will expand my understanding, mind, and credibility.

3. Research fuel economic cars and figure out what to do with my not-so-efficient car.

4. Reach out to my mom and brother and figure out how to help them understand each other and get along better

5. Delve deeper into guitar: learn how to recognize chords, notes, key, all by ear, and learn scales and more difficult chords.

6. Find time to volunteer regularly.

7. Ride some really freaky roller coasters and really get over that fear.

8. Go to a new festival. Rainbow Gathering may not be possible, but one like it, or Bonnaroo, or Burningman.

9. Learn Spanish, without a classroom.

2008: A Year of Becoming

2009-01-03T13:31:00.002-06:00

Each month this year, I have created a playlist with the songs were trappeda in my head or best described the phase I was in at the time. Since it is the end of the year, I compiled a sort of 'Best of' playlist.

1. Do you realize??- The Flaming Lips

2. Bodysnatchers- Radiohead

3. Promises in the Dark- Pat Benatar

4. Don't stop believing- Journey

5. Silver Lining- Rilo Kiley

6. Don't stop me now- Queen

7. Peaceful, easy feeling- The Eagles

8. Wonderwall- Oasis

9. Real world- Matchbox Twenty

10. Fireworks- Animal Collective

11. Don't think twice it's all right- Bob Dylan

12. What I got- Sublime

13. Two of us- The Beatles

14. Desecration smile- Red Hot Chili Peppers

15. I'll believe you when- Matchbox Twenty

16. I'll make a man out of you- Mulan (heh..heh.. I babysat all summer)

17. Bohemian like you- The Dandy Warhols

18. Fool in the rain- Led Zeppelin

19. Getting better- The Beatles

20. Bittersweet symphony- The Verve

21. Sweet girl- Fleetwood Mac

22. Fire and rain- James Taylor

23. Third week in Chelsea- Jefferson Airplane

24. Ten things- Paul Baribeau

25. In the mausoleum- Beirut

26. Dreams- Fleetwood Mac

27. Brother Sport- Animal Collective

This past semester, I feel like I've pushed through another vagina into a brand new world. Essentially, that's what college is. Suddenly, you're forced out of this comfortable place where everything is provided for you without you really needing to do anything but grow and there's this endless expanse of brightness and strange people and stuff you have no idea what to do with this new world.

I cut the umbilical cord when I permanently moved into my own apartment, but I didn't realize that I not only detached myself from a home, but everything that was a part of it. I woke up one day and realized I'd somehow slipped out of one world and into another, and I'd left behind people and ideas and bits of myself. There was a period of panic and overwhelming "oh shit... who am I.. where am I.. what am I doing??" and when I finally pulled out of it, I held hands with my fears and transformed them into friends instead of foes. I did it completely on my own. I found myself for the first time without people pushing me and supporting me. And I watched others around me go through the same thing.

I understand all the things my mother used to tell me all the time. Stuff like... "Let go, and if it was meant to be yours, it will come back to you" or "The friends you make in college are friends for life" or "Sometimes you have to do what you don't want to do, because it pleases God and makes you a better person". Watching people I knew in high school transform and bust through a second theoretical vagina, into a bright new world, has fused unbreakable bonds of understanding that I can only hope are mutual.

I will always have a special, unconditional love for the people who were close to my heart in my troubled high school days, though I recognize the different paths we have separated upon. I was always the weird one, and that was embraced by my inner circle, but I now feel it's turned awry and outcasted. I have progressed within my former longings and innermost desires and my self has expanded, which makes me even more eccentric, weird, and misfitting amongst my high school crowd. As part of my growth, I have erased nearly all judgment and expectation of others to become increasingly more accepting and open-hearted, but that leaves me to their judgment, a heavy gaze I'd rather not walk under. I don't feel unwelcome, but I don't fit in anymore. I've grown accustomed to a family of people who watch out for each other and don't hold feelings of pettiness, judgment, or compensation. We are so unified by an underlying sense of community, love, and simple understanding that returning to a world where it is not so is difficult.

Being on my own is probably the most difficult thing I've had to come to terms with. The detachment from old close friends was paired with having to accept the fact that two more would be leaving in a year. On my trip to Austin for ACL this fall, shitty cell reception cause me to lose contact with the friends I came with and met up with and I had to fend for myself, on one occasion without any money, water, or food, and I did okay. I managed. I made a great time for myself. It wasn't as bad a thing as I'd always expected it to be. As the semester continued on after that, I pulled myself out of a pit of irresponsibility, found the best job I've ever had as well as my calling in life, and everything fell into place.

I figured out who I am and who I am not. I don't know where I'm going, but I know what I love. I'm going to do what I love, love what I do, and hold the people I love close to my heart. I've found a balance, I've figured out how to control myself for the first time in my entire life, and I'm not afraid to be afraid.

Christmas wishes

2008-12-20T19:41:00.002-06:00

It still isn't quite real that Christmas is only a few days away. Perhaps the holiday just doesn't mean as much to me as it did when I was younger. I don't want anything, nor do I really need anything, and I don't want to express my love for others with bought things. I'd rather do extra nice things for everybody to show them how much they mean to me.

I only wish that Christmas would be a reason for people to be genuinely kind and giving to eachother, and that it would last all year round. The lights and decoration, though at times are rather gaudy and severely overdone, nonetheless create an aura of joy. Somehow, the idea of walking around in the cold, looking at lit up houses, all bundled up drinking hot chocolate is still pretty appealing. Then I go near a store or turn on the TV and I'm reminded of what makes me sick about Christmas.

My birthday is just as easy to forget about. I'm never used to it existing because it's always been muddled in with Christmas and no one has ever really made a big deal about it. I live through my friends' birthdays, trying to make their's every bit as happy and celebrated as I wish mine were. But while I've never really spent it around people constantly reminding me it's my day, I must admit, I have been extremely blessed to spend nearly all 20 with my grandma, and I will always remember my birthday with her as if it were her day, too.

So, in honor of a special time of year, do something, or rather, as many nice things for people as you can. Go out of your way. Give people a little bit of yourself for the holiday, whichever you celebrate.

Our memory is too digital

2008-12-20T01:44:00.002-06:00

I lost my camera, my dinky digital that I finally mastered after messing around with film.

First, my movies. Now my camera, but this time it was my fault. Perhaps another reinforcer at how responsible I'm expected to be. Or perhaps the natural order pushing me away from the social conformance and into a world where i hold a tighter grasp on my own individual experience.

I'm back to film. I've missed it, but I miss my digital more. It's sad when automated rinky-dinks are more appealing than hands-on creativity doohickies. Especially when the appeal is provoked by money.

- - There is only now. Everything is temporary. This is your life. Love is all you need. Feed your mind. Create instead of forcing. Don't blend into the world; put yourself into it. - -

This is life, that is the truth, and the truth is what you are becoming

2008-11-20T02:34:00.007-06:00

There is no reality within this world, except that what we write as our own story.

Everything is temporary, you are not trapped. It will pass soon, just embrace every feeling and thought that comes your way while you await better days.

When you love, you can only hope that everyone loves you as much as you do them.

You can never have everything you want, so just take what you need.

Just because you haven't done something doesn't mean you don't, can't or won't.

Shower the people you love with love and the people you don't with kindness.

Starting Over

2008-10-07T12:27:00.002-05:00

I once had a case full of DVDs, a photo library of 6,000 documentations of the last 6 years, the pursuit and experience as a journalist, a definite picture of who i was in my mind, values, friendships with half decades or more of history under the belt, a solid home with other people looking out and providing for me, and a methodical way of life.

They have all disappeared, by theft, accident, or mere passage into a new age of time.

I viewed each with regret, lusting to recover the lost, until it all hit me at once. It's a fresh start. I get to completely start over, retaining only that which is most important and building from there. It's a chance to break a pattern of holding on to the unnecessary and digging down to the barest roots.

I'm pretty lucky.

A new direction home

2008-09-30T19:51:00.002-05:00

Last week, I had one of those "oh fuck... what have I been doing with my life and where am I going" panic attacks and nearly didn't go to ACL because of it. It hit me that I've been eating through my bank account- as well as my parents'- this past month and wandering through life lacking ambition, direction, and responsibility. It was nice. It was fun. It definitely fostered my commitment phobia. But there came that inevitable point of realization that it cannot go on forever.

My dad sat me down tonight and gave me the "you're heading down the same path I did at your age... you need goals, direction, and a job" speech. He couldn't have picked a better time... after deciding stick to my plans and go to ACL, I vowed to myself to get my shit together when I got back. It was probably the best (and extremely overdue in many ways) conversation I've ever had with my dad.

I came to the final realization that I don't give a shit about journalism. I wish I did, but it just doesn't fit me. I'd rather be a part of the story and tell it later in my own way. I want to help people, listen to them, help them find a reason to live and find their own happiness. I'd love to be a part of some organization that goes to disaster areas- war aftermath, hurricane aftermath, etc, and help people get their lives together again. And so... I think I'm going to become a statistical college student and change my major, to social work.

It's a beautiful day, and I'm in a slump

2008-09-15T15:14:00.003-05:00

I'm broke.

I'm irresponsible.

I put forth too conscious an effort to make myself fit with the sway of the world while standing out at the same time.

I have no idea what I want. Except one thing, and I'm too afraid of it to make it any further than pursuit.

For the love of God, why am I allowing myself to sink into this mess?

When I grow up, I want to

2008-09-01T03:24:00.005-05:00

... be the kindest person I can be. It's a step further from being 'nice', like 2-D to 3-D.

... be a part of lots of somethings and capture their significance in words and film.

... tell stories.

... inspire.

... love and be loved

... be content and find a constant state of satisfaction with myself and the people and life I'm surrounded by

... touch the shadows in people's lives, brighten them, and be remembered fondly with a smile

... tell my story in your words and your story in mine

... put the nicest version of myself out, for my intentions and innermost desires to be instinctive actions

I'm okay with being the nice guy who finishes last. First place is lonely, there's nobody at the end of the race to give you a high-five. When you're last, there's tons of people to run into and koala hug.

We're "growing up" at this very moment. It's a constant state- you're never really "grown up" (in the past tense), you're always in the process of "growing up". These are the things my soul is budding out. This is who I want to be. Kind. Joyful. And a story teller.

(I may or may not have been incredibly repetitive... sorry >_< )

Winding down and Winding up

2008-08-13T18:02:00.003-05:00

Today, I filled my garage with bits and pieces of people I love. A couch from Diane. A dresser from Helen, which I hauled 20 miles home strapped with rope to the trunk door of my mother's car. A box of silverware, plates, bowls, pots, pans, spatulas and the works from my grandmother's kitchen. A bed from my dad, hauled from North Dallas anchored to the luggage rack on Taylor's mini van. I've spent the past few days stuffing my belongings into boxes and crates as my devoted kitty stares with big, sad eyes from under the circle chair in my room. Friday morning, it will all voyage to my first and very own apartment.

A year ago, I got my first taste of freedom and living on my own. In a few days, I get a huge bite. I know that for the next few years, I will still rely heavily on my parents for financial support, and the responsibility of not fucking them or myself over weighs heavy on my shoulders. I'm in that phase of life where I absolutely despise stuff and money. The towers of boxes and crates in my garage scream, "I HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF!" and the numbers on my ATM receipt send my head into a spinning "Where did all those hours at work go?".

As always, the last weeks of any stage of life has far surpassed the middle ground of time spent there. I've broken many rules, trespassed and vandalized a bit of private property, gone on mini-adventures, seen people for the first time and last time in months, and I know that the next two weeks hold even more excitement. My beloved Denton crowd has already begun to mosey back and before long will be together again, in our own places outside the dorms. Friday and Saturday spell two nights of awesome concerts at the Granada, my most visited music venue.

I'm excited :]

Let's bend the rules

2008-08-02T21:04:00.003-05:00

I want to pull pranks

Create mischief

Sneak into places I don't belong

Almost get caught, but escape just in time

Let's bend the rules and have some adventure

Do things we've only heard of

Go places we've never seen

Now's the time to really live

Before we get tied down

Sunset

2008-07-30T21:23:00.001-05:00

Let us fly through the gilded sky

And watch the sun slip beneath

To spray its warmth on other worlds

Beyond our own horizon

Watch the trees wave goodbye

And pass the blessing of light

To the world that lies around the corner

Of dearest Mother Earth

Sparkling drops within the dark

Replace shimmering ribbons of heat

Say goodnight to golden sun

And welcome blessed moon

Clouds and life and things

2008-07-24T19:52:00.004-05:00

If I could have my camera, notebook, and guitar permanently attached to myself, I'd be the happiest girl in the world. I want to be better at these three things, the best way I know to do that is to practice, practice, practice.

It's amazing the effect my two trips has had on my entire mental focus and outlook. I've never been more aware, more... I don't even know. It's all good, I know that much. I see less and less eye-to-eye with my mom, but I feel like i get things. I understand. I make connections. I feel. I think- I get it. That's a phrase I think is used to signify those who understand-know-get what's really important. The meaning of life, maybe. I feel a part of this underculture, subculture renewal. People wanting to just exist, get by on the least material but most experience. Lives of multi-color, not black and white or gray area. Color.

The sky has never been so awe-inspiring. I've never been more satisfied with just sitting on a fake stone bench, watching the sun play peek-a-boo amongst marshmallow puffs in the sky. Yesterday, my mom kept trying to peg an emotion on me- sadness, illness, whatever. The truth is, sometimes I want to just lie on my back on a plastic picnic table and stare at the sky, watching the green tips of the trees contrast against the deep blue expanse of sky.

The trees still wave at me.

The swimming clouds remind me that time does not stand still, that we are in constant rotation around the sun, which brings a question to mind. If the earth were to stop rotating, would time technically stand still? After all, we measure it by the location and movement of the sun across our sky.

Currently listening to: Hobo's Lullaby, Arlo Guthrie, on vinyl :]

2008-06-28T00:33:00.003-05:00

Children. The epitome of innocence, a representation of the stage of life that is to be most protected, valued, and reflected upon fondly. Someday, I'm sure my mind will return to its original ecstatic anticipation for my own chance at motherhood, but at this stage of my life, the saturation of my summer days with the presence and responsibility of near-constant childcare is simply wearing me out. They are trying my patience. I need a vacation from my mother and from children. I need to be reminded that I am indeed 19, in college, and closing in on ultimate independance.

I miss my brother. We have this... understanding of each other that nobody else in the world could have of either of us. It's like we know eachother's souls, inside and out. This past year has been hardest in that aspect. I miss driving my brother to and from school every day and telling him everything that's happening, having deep philosophical conversations, and throwing limes at each other. If I had to choose, and it wouldn't break my dad's heart, I wish that my brother could give me away at my hypothetical wedding. By every right and nature, he should. Silly traditions.

Every year at this time, I go through a self-doubt phase during which I lose my satisfaction with journalism. One year, I really felt called to something with kids instead of working for a newspaper or magazine. Last year, I thought about going back to nursing. Now, I'm just not sure if I want to slave my life away to writing or designing, or doing anything that required documenting lives as opposed to experiencing them. I have developed a keen interest and fascination with children and people that live completely normal lives despite handicaps, Down's Syndrome, Autism, and so forth. I don't want to be a teacher... or a doctor... or psychology related anything, but I felt a tug towards these people. I really want to be a camp counselor. I'd just have to find some sort of regular escape to remind myself of my adulthood. But I really want to. The woods... the whole camp experience... and the fact that I'd be influencing a kid's summer, childhood, and memories.

I've recently discovered the magic of film cameras. So far, I've had two rolls. I lost my printer cables, though, so I cannot scan my photos until I take the time to dig around.

I hope everyone is having the most fantastic summer, full of memorable excitement :]

Three Jordans and a Starbucks

2008-06-17T12:55:00.004-05:00

I woke up this morning with a long list of errands that I needed to get done before my mother and I leave for the airport at 2 and an irritating caffeine headache. I sidetracked through Starbucks between my stops at the ink store and Half Price with the hopes of curbing the grinding between my ears and ordered a tall- no, grande- caramel frapp, an old classic. When asked my name, I routinely uttered "Jordan", a step outside of my usual routine of making up something absolutely ridiculous.

The pleasant barista chuckled a little. "Really? haha. your drink will be ready at the bar in just a moment."

The girl in line behind me, a few inches shy of 5 ft tall, wearing an All-American Cheerleader shirt, sophee shorts and red cons, steppe up and ordered a tall caramel frapp. At her response to the first name question, she also uttered "Jordan", which sent the barista behind the counter and her co-worker sitting in the plush chair adjacent to the counter to burst out laughing. In my glance in their direction, my eyes caught on the name scrawled in blue chalk beneath "Your barista today is..." and noticed that her name was also Jordan.

Barista Jordan turned to the barista behind the counter, "I have never been in the same place as three Jordans before. I think it's a sign. You should name your baby Jordan, whether it's a boy or a girl."

While customer Jordan and I were awaiting our caramel frapps, we wandered through discussions of our common interaction with more boy Jordans than girl Jordans, and how we'd both been referred to by our full names throughout school because of it. It was possibly the coolest interaction I'd ever had at Starbucks and it made me appreciate my name and my newfound caffeine addiction so much more.

La Vida Summer

2008-06-01T20:09:00.005-05:00

Our lives as students exist in revolution around the summer months. It's our four month break from cramming knowledge into our heads and stressing out over grades and instead fill our minds with things we want to learn about and earn a little cash to live off during the next school year. We are free to wander into creeks and watch dragonflies hover over pondwater and fish tickle the algae-covered rocks. We can embark on weekend roadtrips or watch the sun rise over the tops of trees and not have to worry about a paper due in a week or an exam the next day. Summer is magic. Anything can happen, and anything will happen. It's only been a month so far, and already, I'm having the best summer of my life.

A few weeks ago, my friends and I observed that our hometown is no longer as boring as it had been in high school. We decided that since going off to college, we'd found ways to make any place fun. Watching the sun set in a park or wandering off in a creek, laying in a field staring at the clouds or just sitting around the backyard passing around a guitar has become a constant way of amusing ourselves. It's not the place you're in, it's the people. If you find a group of people that enjoy the same things you do, you can make any place fun.

In my own little world

2008-05-26T19:26:00.003-05:00

When I was younger, I created an entire fantasy world for myself. My identity would change monthly, weekly, daily, whenever I felt like I'd done it justice or I got bored and came up with a new one.

I miss the days when identity was that simple and could simply be imagined and thusly created. Not that I don't know who I am, or even that I don't like myself, but we all have those times when we are all but satisfied with our perceptions of ourselves.

Dearly beloved flag and rifle,

2008-05-21T01:20:00.002-05:00

I am coming to terms with the fact that I am no longer a master of your craft, though I miss you both tremendously. I have tried to maintain the skill and art that you are a part of, but with a year out of practice, I have lost my ability to improv with you. I am sorry that I must leave you behind, but your place is in my memory and in my heart. You must understand, please don't take this personally, but you just aren't a part of my life anymore. I will still pick you up from time to time to reminisce the days when I could come up with a routine on the dime with my ipod blaring for my ears only, but I must acknowledge that those days are of the past now.

You were one of the best things to happen to me, so beloved flag and rifle, take care. I will always love you.

With bittersweet goodbye,

Jordan

Soul to soul, evolving from Disney to Adam and Eve

2008-05-18T00:48:00.004-05:00

I never realized before how great a song "You'll be in my heart" from Tarzan is. I always have loved it, but found it kind of cheesy, but this time I listened to the words and they really spoke to me. I never could find just the right word to explain it, but I think I've kind of found it with the help of these lyrics and a really deep conversation with my best friend. I find that I have always been ashamed to have feelings for someone. I'm embarrassed. I'm afraid of one more unrequited crush or that they'll get awkward around me if they find out (i also get paranoid that they'll figure it out) and any friendship we might have would be tainted because they would assume that everything I do stems from a crush. I'm afraid of being "creepy". All this wierd paranoia makes me feel like a third grader.

I'm the firmest of firm believers in soulmates and in signs, so I'm always on the lookout, or rather, ready to receive, any signs that a person could be my soulmate, yet if I get any hints of a vibe, I immediately apply my paranoia and embarrasment for even considering it. I want to feel completed and at peace when I receive vibes from any person, but I'm afraid that I'll be wrong. I'm afraid to misconstrue something and it wind up wrong. I'm even more afraid that I'll be right. I am terribly timid towards commitment, and to be right about that sort of thing is the ultimate form of commitment.

I had a sort of epiphany a while ago. Our souls are our ultimate conscience. They are behind our backs, constantly pulling us towards our truest selves and our truest matches. I believe in two kinds of soulmates: the people who know your soul and with whom there are no secrets and the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with, who also falls into the first soulmate category. There is nothing hidden from those who truly know your soul. Adam and Eve were created as soulmates in this way, which is why they did not need clothes. They were soulmates to each other and to God. (sorry to get religious..) There was nothing hidden because they knew each other's souls, the most intimate and all-knowing that two people can be, therefore, the nakedness on the surface was nothing, because they could see through every layer of each other, physically, emotionally, down as far as could be reached.

Hello, summer! I welcome you with open arms.

2008-05-12T01:34:00.003-05:00

I'm not used to being out of school this early. My mind is used to going til the end of May, and it hasn't quite sunk in that there are no classes for the next four months. I am still without a car, full time job, and i haven't quite finished unpacking from moving back home. I am proud to say, however, that I am watching Mary Poppins on the first TV to ever exist in my bedroom.

I've decided to make a list of things I want to do this summer. Granted, I'll get about half of them halfway completed, but it's always fun to make a list :]

- read real books. so expect a reading list to come... hehe

- watch every Natalie Portman and Tom Hanks movie.

- learn how to use my dad's 1983 Canon film camera

- learn Hebrew

- go on as many spontaneous adventures as possible, including tons of camping trips

- obtain a Diamond St sign

- break my fingers trying to learn barre chords

- learn to play mandolin

- attend only weddings and no funerals

- Find roommates for next year outside of the dorms... oy...

- bank enough money to avoid having a job next semester

- take the 8 year old girl i'm babysitting all of June on fun little adventures she'll never forget and expose her to the Beatles

- spend more time outdoors than i ever have in my life

- regularly go on bike rides and yoga classes

- strengthen the friendships i've made this year

- get completely covered from head to toe in mud

- TIE DYE like a crazy muthafuggin hippie

So here I go, racing head-on into summer. Friends, let's go have fun :]

Dear May,

2008-05-07T00:50:00.002-05:00

You are all around me in your strangest form. I feel your warmth, the ever-glowing presence of the sun shadowed by the gray sheath of clouds and tingling drops of rain. With your arrival an ending has attached, I leave a life, a group of friendsand return to sheltered suburban-ness. My communal, carefree society is malignant to the scorning of my other life. I feel two-faced. I am ashamed. I see nothing wrong with the existential being that consumes me until their worries penetrate my membrane. They don't know. They have no reason to worry. I am not drowning in a pot of sinking sand. Though at times I feel I am. At times I fight nature. I fight instinct, I create an internal gnawing at my identity. What is it? Who am I? I feel like "Most Likely to Not Succeed". I have no motivation, I have no challenge. That's it. Nothing to challenge me, to keep me focused. No incentive. But I should. My parents are broke. That should be enough, but it's not. I am sinking. I can't return home. I sink faster there. There's nothing to grab on to, no consistency, except my mother's irrationality and drunken stupor. I flee from it. I want her to be one thing, but she is not. I want to tell the world my troubles, but in a whisper. I'll talk until somebody listens. Someone will.

Oh, May. You bring me to a crossroad. Who am I? What do I want? Where should I go? And most of all, What is important?

All you need is love... and friends

2008-05-01T01:09:00.002-05:00

"You wanna know how I knew he was an asshole? He talks fast, he talks loud, and he doesn't say much."

- The greatest "relationship" advice from one of the greatest people in the world.

Just within the past week/ few days, I've become so incredibly aware of who my truest, dearest friends are- the people who really care about me, watch out for me, and bring out the best in me. I'm blessed to have six such people in my life, two of whom are immediate family, the other four have rightfully earned their spot in my honorary family. May we be a part of eachothers' weddings, funerals, and everything from now til then.

It's funny how the realization of an end brings out such an intense bond, and how it's based on common roots. Never in my life, though, have I felt such overwhelming love for anybody. They have captured my soul and I have let my wall down so that they could enter the deep, dark world that I live in. I know that I can trust each and every one of them with my life, and that they are the most capable people of digging me out of a bad mood and making everything better. Every friend I gain will be held up against them in comparison, but nobody could ever measure up.

Thank you, guys. You make my world go round.

Welcome to the real world

2008-04-19T00:22:00.001-05:00

There comes a day when you wake up, turn around and are unable to recognize yourself in a mirror. Your values, opinions, lifestyle, goals, everything, has changed. The things that used to be important and worry you have vanished and worked themselves out. You’ve somehow managed to figure out the lessons from your mistakes in the past. Life isn’t perfect, but you’re coming up to the horizon. The world looks totally different from the top of the mountain at sunrise.

If I were to walk through the halls of my high school, I’d feel so odd. I am still the same person, but my life is nowhere near what it was when I trampled the brownstone tile floor daily. I have become a part of a completely different world. I would feel two faced, like I was hiding something. Not because I’m ashamed, but because I’ve been skyrocketed from the conservative Bible belt mentality and the normal American lifestyle. An entire part of my life they have no clue about, and would utterly shock them if they knew.

April, you might prove me wrong

2008-04-05T00:43:00.003-05:00

Well, so far, my doubts about a fair april have been proven wrong. The past three days have been a complete 180 from the weeks before. I've been giddy and cheerful and I feel like the best version of myself is coming out more and more. I am slowly picking the important lessons out of the messes I found myself in a year ago and applying them to situations and relationships of today. The best part? The greatest hours of the past three days are all results of unplanned coincidences. Oh, how I love coincidences.

It's a bummer that everything is so fantastic, but with only a little over a month left in the semester to enjoy it. While most people are anxious for summer to arrive and overjoyed about the fall semester, I'm dreading both. I love the life I've settled into here. The faces I see every day around Bruce have become my family, and many of them are leaving for the military, other schools or will be moving into places of their own in Denton. I know that next semester, my life will be nothing like it has been this past year. In some ways, that might be good, but on the other hand, I will miss the faces I see daily the most.

I have a feeling I'm going to go mad this summer. After adjusting and growing used to a completely self-sufficient life devoid any responsibility, going back to living with my mother, having a job and car, and actually having chores and shit to do is going to be an adjustment I'm probably going to be disgruntled in making. I won't have the built-in social life and atmosphere that living in a dorm provides, nor will I be near the majority of my college family, which has grown quite large. Don't get me wrong, it will be amazing to be able to see my high school friends again, but it will be hard to go from seeing people 24/7 to not at all for three months.

I look forward with a new perspective of not holding back and coasting through life with a quarter tank. I may not have epic stories or tons of adventure, but by jove, I'm going to enjoy everything that I do.

Chocolate milk and chick flicks

2008-03-30T23:35:00.002-05:00

I'd like a little romance. Just to know what it is. Just a little bit of time where someone is charmed by me, and charms me in return. A guy to lean into, put his arm around me, and just watch a movie or the sunset. And alternatively, go on silly adventures. A partner in crime. Just once. It doesn't have to last forever, just long enough to leave both of us with a little piece of life we didn't know before.

Parking Lot pHorum

2008-03-22T22:59:00.002-05:00

The only way a person can be truly carefree is to view the world with an absence of judgment or expectation and submit to the laws of nature and the universe. That is my definition. Worry, fear, criticism, anxiety, uptightness, all chain a person down and inhibit them from achieving a complete peace of mind and happiness. The meaning of life: happiness. The greatest way to achieve it: to be carefree. In order for people to be carefree and achieve the meaning of life, they must have a truly open mind, devoid all judgment and expectation, submitting to and accepting nature. I think this was what Morrie was talking about Tuesdays with Morrie. Man, I love that book. It's the greatest to read when you fall into a rut.

I'll believe you when everything you say don't turn out wrong

2008-03-20T19:07:00.001-05:00

I was inspired by Sophia's list of 43 to write my list of things. It's pure stream of consciousness, some are personal philosophies and some are just random things I've realized about myself in the last year.

1. I have drank almost an entire bottle of white grape juice within the past 24 hours.

2. I have never felt more empassioned or in the zone than I do when I have a flag in my hand and music surrounding me.

3. I never cease to tie closer bonds with people than they tie with me.

4. I have accepted the fact that I have a slightly delusional and idealistic view of the world.

5. The things I say and what I truly think and feel rarely cooperate to bring a good outcome.

6. I talk about myself a lot. And it bugs me.

7. Everything has beauty. Even ugly things.

8. Snow is the greatest thing in the world. Just don't drive in it.

9. There is a song and a soul for every soul.

10. I am terrified of losing people, and it effects my daily decisions.

11. When asked to do a favor that involves commitment, my first instinct is to find an excuse. Then I realize that I'm stupid and both parties benefit from the favor.

12. Money really is the root of all evil.

13. An hour unplanned that maps itself out has greater potential to be amazing than a day completely mapped out in advance.

14. Following others isn't always copycatting. Sometimes it's simply making a good decision.

15. Sex is overrated.

16. Sometimes the best things are left unsaid and that's how it's meant to be because they never would have come out right.

17. Unrequited love is still love, and that should never hold a negative connotation or create negative energy because to be loved by another is the greatest form of flattery.

18. Running away from problems only makes you lose your breath, and then the problem catches up and smacks you when your even weaker.

19. The meaning of life is simple: happiness. If you spend your life without it, you might as well already be dead.

20. A picture's worth a thousand words. But it's never specified whether they're truthful words or a perversion of the truth.

21. I overuse analogies.

22. Any invention that results in something flying through the air is the product of brilliance.

23. The children of playground architects must have the greatest backyards ever.

24. You are never too old to have fun on a playground.

25. You are never too old, even if your body screams "I'M DETERIORATING". You always have youth at heart and spirit.

26. There's no sense in verbally defending a philosophy that's better proven by living it out.

27. The things we put our heart and soul into are the things that carry our spirit beyond our departure from the material world.

28. Music is the only constant form of communication. It evolves, but its theories have been the same for centuries.

29. A smile is the universal greeting that can brighten any person's day.

30. Sometimes it takes three car wrecks for a person to admit they're a bad driver. And even then... delusional pride keeps that person from changing their ways.

31. The religious wars the worlds still wages are the repercussions of an impatiant man who had an affair with his housekeeper thousands of years ago because his wife couldn't have kids.

32. I use sarcasm as a defense mechanism. It often gives the vibe that I'm bitter or pissed about something that frankly doesn't bother me at all.

33. I spent four years in high school breaking the insecurities private school had tied me down with.

34. Singing in the shower is a great way to begin or end a day.

35. So is skinny dipping.

36. A social life who's roots are in a windowless room filled with cubicles attached to a dirty floor has the same opportunity for greatness as any other social life.

37. The greatest essays and newspaper stories are those begun at 2am of the day they're due.

38. Fear is the only source of danger.

39. The glass a drink is served in has a severe impact in the way it tastes.

30. You've got to be really freaking talented to get a splinter from a popsicle stick.

31. The things that are only funny to those doing them aren't given enough credit by those observing.

32. You can never truly know a person until you've seen them around their best friend in the world.

33. To be a true close friend, you have to be a constant part of that person's life, sharing in the ups, downs, and everything in between.

34. Chocolate milk is always a good decision. Unless your throat is suffering from allergies.

35. You can tell a lot about a person by the cereal they eat.

36. There are two types of people: those who only eat the marshmallows in Lucky Charms, an those who hate the marshmallows and don't eat the cereal at all because of it.

37. If it won't bother you in a week, it's not worth worrying about today.

38. Lean back, relax, look at your brain.

39. Road trips with awesome people down country roads, Bob Dylan, and the windows rolled down is the greatest experience the world can offer.

40. Elementary school children should not know about sex, profanity or drugs. Their innocence is too precious.

41. Little things build up like flecks of dust. If you don't clean it off every now and then, it builds up so much that it's hard to tell what used to be beneath it and makes everyone sick.

42. The Oklahoma border is exactly one hour from my house.

43. Sophia's magic number. :]

44. April has yet to prove itself as a month with positive outcomes.

45. The domino effect bring sweet revenge.

46. Family is the greatest thing you can ever have. Being reunited with family is even greater.

47. It takes two people naturally cooperating with each other for a friendship to form. One person doing all the work is a delusional friendship.

48. An unreturned phone call is a great disappointment.

49. The alarm clock never brings good news.

50. Holidays celebrated by blasting fire into the air are better than any media-poisoned religious holiday.

51. I'm going to bed.

fuck spring

2008-03-08T23:22:00.003-06:00

Spring. The time of birth, love, blossoming, etc. It's supposed to be happy and pretty. Well fuck spring.

I hate spring, or rather, I hate how everything goes wrong in spring. March- April were not fair to me in the least last year, and its shaping up to be a pattern.

The realization that the my best friend since childhood and I have drifted so far a part that our friendship has little likelihood to last through the next year is continually knocking me off my feet.

I'm still reaping the reprecussions of the falling hard enough for someone to do anything about it and ruining the friendship because of it. April 3rd will be the first anniversary of the beginning of the worst mental state i've been in yet, the wedding one of my closest friends from high school and the 19th birthday of my best friend in the entire world.

I've had four-some-odd relationship possibilities/attempts this year, which is more than I've ever had, but none have materialized.

One of my closest friends in college is moving to Austin next year.

My roommate has a new boyfriend, so I never see her. I realize now that I get reallllly lonely when there's nobody that I can consistantly unload to at the end of one of my crazy hectic days, so I wind up depressed a lot.

And to top it all off, in less than two weeks, I will be broke. Literally. And without a car. I got into an accident because I was too nice to say 'no' to my boss and kept delivering sandwiches despite the fact there was a literal blizzard outside, and I lost traction and slid into another car, resulting in $600- $1700 in damage, depending on where my mom decides to let me take it to get replaced. So, no more car. No more money. Maybe I can suck a raise out of it, but who knows.

If this is how spring is going to be every year, I'm gonna make like a bear and hibernate til summer.

To live carefree

2008-03-02T15:36:00.003-06:00

It's quiet, and that's nice. It's gloomy outside, and somehow that's nice too. Right now, it's working for me. But for how long?

I get restless easily. Anxious. I crave spontaneity and completely random acts of society. I want to engage in a sing-along with strangers in public. Give hugs to people I've never met before. I want to interact with strangers and embrace the simplest connections that we may only share for fie minutes. I want to impulsively do nice things for people out of simple kindness, without thinking. I want to quit my job so I can float through college with a relaxed spirit and create deep, everlasting friendships. But I don't have the guts.

I wish I could give my brother my car because he needs it more than I do. In my head, without my car, I wouldn't need a job. I could bring my bike here and put a little less pollution in the air and save $35 a week on gas. Am I too selfish to do this? Or do the memories of the inconveniences that surrounded me when I didn't have a car keep me from giving it up? Yeah. That's selfishness talking.

"I need a job really bad"

The phrase that every college student I know repeats daily. But none of them have one. They say it, but they don't go look for it. I have a job. I have a constant income. But I don't want it. Why am I never satisfied with the life that I have created for myself?

I can't get the things I want. I don't have the guts. I can't be what I want.

Carefree. My ultimate goal.

Try

2008-02-29T20:28:00.002-06:00

I want to be an artist

a piano player

photographer

seamstress

collageist

videographer

all these things that I am not

all these things that I must learn

but can I be

just one?

If I ever have daughters...

2008-02-23T20:02:00.005-06:00

I would name you Maybe so you’d never speak a word of uncertainty. You wouldn’t want to say, “Well, maybe I can…” because it’d sound weird to say your name in the middle of a sentence. You wouldn’t be flaky or indecisive, my own tragic flaws. The word ‘maybe’ instigates possibility. It’s the transition into a new idea. “Maybe this happened.” Or “maybe this would work”. And it’s the answer people give when they don’t want to say ‘no’. I would give you the ability to say ‘no’, never ‘maybe’, to never be afraid of what people would think of you if you turned them down and chose your own way, never leave people hanging or unsure, but always be there, always be committed to the things that you want to do. I would name you this, not to set you up to be made fun of, but to give you a piece of character and set you a part from the rest of the world.

I would name you my Pax, after the Roman goddess of peace. I know that worldwide peace is unlikely and unrealistic, but each day, we can do small things to bring peace to those around us, to make other people’s lives better. I would give you my motto: Be the change you want to see in the world. With your name, you would receive the character of a peacemaker, known in modern times as a hippie, the character of a purely happy, content and peaceful person. Pax tectum, et bonum et lux. Peace be with you, and goodness and light.

Love always J

It's such a beautiful day

2008-02-20T01:41:00.001-06:00

It began just as I was walking out of my dorm to go to class. There’s a building next door that is in the process of being gutted and torn down. The windows are all gone and random chunks of metal, concrete, and other debris piled all over the fenced in construction area. A wrecking ball suspends from a thick cable attached to a giant crane. Somehow, the destruction strikes me as beautiful. In a few months time, a brand new building will stand in its place, but the pure, perfect new building cannot hold to the old building whose guts and inner soul are wretched from inside. Its heart is on the ground. Beauty.

Across from the building, there is a white stone bench, its blank backside facing the sidewalk. On Valentine’s Day, a beautiful four-line love poem filled the backside of the bench. Today, two maintenance workers sat in the bench, one leg crossed over the other and their arms folded behind their necks. A plastic tub of white paint and a paint roller in a small tin tray sat against one of the corners of the bench. The love poem was gone. But still, the scene was beautiful.

The entire day was like this. At every given moment, I found something beautiful in the situation. On a delivery, I held the door open for a man wheeling several boxes outside to his delivery truck. I didn’t get a tip from the lady I delivered to, but it was okay. I got a “tip” in another way—by making someone else’s day a little bit easier.

I also took a delivery to a woman who worked in a small counseling center out of a refurbished house. She was blind. She held a job, could operate a phone, read a credit card number (or at least have it memorized), sign her name, all without being able to see and visualize anything, and she looked pretty to top it off. She didn’t let a handicap hinder her from living life to the fullest. She inspired me. Sometimes, I try to find excuses as to why I can or couldn’t do something, but here is this woman who could so easily use the lack of sight to have life handed to her, but instead she challenges herself to overcome it. Beauty.

I drove with my windows down and pleasant music playing.

I slowed down so people could get over a lane our pull out of a parking spot.

I talked with a stranger on the way to class, I don’t even remember what about, but it began by my holding the door open for her.

Small flaws did not bother me—when a lady at a stop sign went ahead of me though I had the right of way, or when I could’ve sworn I’d made more tips than I went home with. My boss snapped at me for something, I winced, but was long forgotten by the time I was back in my car on my way to another delivery. All these little things, my little attempts to find something positive and beautiful in everything I encountered—all made my day, in itself, beautiful.

If I could choose my own heaven, the place and things my soul would do after departing my body, I would become a little fairy who puts dollar bills in people’s pockets or moves their keys to an obvious place where they can easily be found. Sort of like a fairy godmother, I suppose. I would make each day like today—full of beauty and creating happiness.

Days like these are the epitome of my soul’s existence. Today was the state of mind, the peaceful easy feeling, that I aim to achieve every day. For everyone I interacted with today, you are loved and you are beautiful :D

Ball of confusion

2008-02-13T00:45:00.002-06:00

Because of this:

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

There is this:

I never ever stopped wondering

wondering if you still think of us

I don't need a photograph

'Cause you've never left my mind

No you've never left my mind

But it shouldn't be.

It wouldn't be.

It won't.

You will never see this

2008-02-10T21:24:00.001-06:00

It is finished.

You are my "What if...? ", but what I wanted back then doesn't matter anymore.

This game is up, what goes on from here is up to you.

And if you talk to me, I'll talk back. But please, for my sake, let's be friends.

Now go find a girl who cares for you as much as I did and love her in return. I'll be happy for you.

We all float on

2008-01-21T00:59:00.000-06:00

She was terrified of feeling that way about another person. There had been enough hard falls within the past year, and she felt no rush to add another name. Her friends wanted her to be happy. To be ready. She wanted life to happen on her own time. On her own terms. She wouldn’t mind another friend, and at the moment, that’s really all she was ready for. A boyfriend, that’d be nice. But frightening. To say she wasn’t ready would bring on the question, “would she ever be?”. It would take time. Trust and comfortability don’t rebuild overnight. She didn’t want to rule out all possibilities, but she just wasn’t ready. She could not be pushed. She could not be rushed. She didn’t even like to be told. She liked surprises. She didn’t like it when people made things obvious or a big deal. She was used to her life being unconventional and subliminal. She meant to touch other’s lives without them realizing it. She had never been a big deal. She’d always been the third wheel. The less-important, just below exceptional. Good enough to get by, not good enough to get recognized. She didn’t want that to change as much as she sometimes thought. She wanted to have a best friend, fall for him, marry him, have kids, etc. She’d fallen hard enough twice, right in a row. She could be patient, surely one of them was the One. Her closeness and feelings weaved in and out constantly and inconsistently, but she figured at some point one of them would realize she was their girl and everything would just happen.

And even if it didn't... someone else like that would come along. It would be completely natural. No one would push her. They'd be good friends one day, mistakingly kiss, and then it'd all change. That was her reality. In her little world, that's the way things rolled.

A moment of laughter in frustration

2007-12-23T00:09:00.000-06:00

She threw her keys on the ground and yanked her wavy, dark hair, kneading it with her hands.

Dammit. She paced, her feet stuttering every few steps. Her blue toenail polish glinted a sea-green in the golden sunlight that poured in the narrow window. She turned toward the bed and twirled a strand of hair with her left pointer finger. She bit the skin on the tip of the same finger on her left hand. The comforter lay in a wrinkled, brightly colored mass, folding to reveal the light blue sheets stretched across the queen-sized mattress. She overturned the comforter with her right hand. It wasn’t there either.

The phone rang in the other room. Her eyes blinked in its direction, but she did not move, she merely shifted her weight to her left leg. She looked down at the ink-stained papers and technicolor array of T-shirts that covered the beige carpet so its color remained unknown to anyone who did not already know its shade.

Dammit. Her keys were lost. She kneeled down, her knees knocking together, tugging stray clumps of hair behind her ears. She dug through the piles of clothes. Shit. Where had they gone? She dug her fingers into her forehead, pushing the loose skin into her scalp. She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, reaching, but unable to grasp her shoulders. Breathe. Just breathe. The phone rang again. She didn’t care who it was. She didn’t want to talk to anybody. She had so much to say, but she didn’t know what, or how, to say it.

He was her best friend, right? So why was it so hard?

She let go of her knees and cascaded, vertebra by vertebra to the floor, her head gently resting on the four-inch pile of blue, white, and yellow yearbooks from high school. High school. Her eyelids fell closed, covering her bright blue eyes. Bright eyes.

“Ali? Aliii?” his voice sang softly in her ear.

She sat up with a start and brushed her hair from her forehead. She blinked a few times, squinting. His arms closed around her and pulled her onto his knees. He sat on his right foot, his left pushed out from under. She lay on his lap, tracing spiral patterns onto his faded jeans. Her hair cascaded over his legs and swirled in heaps on the floor. It had gotten long. His right arm draped over her hips, his left supported his upper body weight, bracing his back. He looked down at her glazed, distant eyes.

“Happy Birthday, Ali,” he whispered.

She laughed hysterically, her diaphragm sharply contracting, air rushing in and out of her lungs. It was her silent laugh, the air rushed out in high-pitched squawks. She rolled off his lap and wrenched on the ground like a dying cockroach. Tears streamed from her eyes. She sat up, grinning from ear to ear. She pushed him over and straddled him on her knees. He looked up, his eyes boring into her skull. His mouth twitched a smile.

“Happy Birthday, Frank,” she whispered.

---------------------------

The front door clicked open, ending the moment.

“Found your keys, An, want me to leave ‘em on the counter?” Kate’s voice rang from the front room. She peeked around the hall and found her roommates pretzeled on the floor.

“I’m going to the store after class, you guys need anything?” she asked, her voice absent of any suspicion.

Ali craned her neck so her eyes met Kate’s. Her answer echoed Frank’s.

“Nah, I’m good.”

Kate’s left eyebrow raised and her lips pursed into a slant.

“Alrighty then, I’ll see you guys later.”

She turned around to leave then lurched back into the doorway, her eyes narrow and a strand of light brown hair wisping over her forehead.

“I’ll grab an extra box of condoms, just for you two.”

Ali and Frank suppressed their laughter until they heard the door click shut again.

In my dreams, I was an artist

2007-12-22T23:38:00.001-06:00

This is basically a place for me to throw random pieces of writings. Yes. I write. I just keep most of it on my hard drive to rarely be finished, only begun. My thoughts, ideas, imagination in type. And now for a smidge of the public's viewing.

This one's from this summer. I believe. Idk. I just found it and thought to post it.

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Sometimes she felt unoriginal.

"I used to be an artist. In my dreams, I was an artist."

Her mind would twist into knots. She wanted things. She didn't know how to get them. But life kept handing- no, throwing- tangerines at her. She preferred to have a mind of her own, but she never felt completely 100% original. She found a base of herself in other people, she didn't coome up with things completely on her own, but still took credit for it. She was a poster. An idea thief. The world's plagiarist. And yet she admired originality and individuality.

There were times her heart didn't know where to go. He changed her. She let him change her. She let him find her, pull her out from the self-conscious, afraid girl and become this free spirit, this exploding supernova She fell, wanting his arms to catch her. They never did. She fell. He walked away. Her mind became a whirlwind. Directions blurred, there was no sure way in which to go. She felt there was no knowing herself. She could not be known. She could not be predicted. She could not...know what she wanted. There was no knowing.

She did things for the wrong reasons. She could never decide. She did not know what she wanted. Her mind spun. It was empty. She was. Her mind. All empty. It was an imaginative place. She could travel the world, invent ideas and lives that would never exist, but she could not pull from it. She hated hurting. She grew used to it. She molded her mind to avoid it, she learned how to approach people devoid any expectations. She applied his behaviors to the world. But he was different, he was not like other people. She could not place him in society. He could not be predicted. But she knew him. She saw through him. She thought. Then moments came where she knew nothing. He threw her off. Other people were like him. But he was not like other people. He could not be known. He hid himself. He was so mysterious. He weaved in and out of her life, here and there in spurts that were both poisonous and sweet. He had ignited a revolution in her that others could only hope to follow but even she could not find his footsteps.